Lessons from Therapist (Pages from Diary - 21)

So i had been to the Therapist for Psychotherapy and Counseling. It lasted for two hours. And probably one of the best two hours of my life. She told me that we are responsible for managing and handling our own emotions. It would be brief summary of session. But no, its not as simple as it sounds..

And viola, I could implement that too. As I said earlier, I like certain boy. And I used to text him when I miss him. Sometimes he replies and sometimes he does not. Once he did not and I kept thinking about it for entire day though I knew the reasons behind his quietness. Today, it did not happened. I mean, I texted him. He did not reply. But then I texted him saying that its okay if he dint feel like saying so. And I told myself that, I like him, I miss him and I should handle it. And it worked.

Second thing she told me that if certain person it behaving in certain way and this is how he/she is, then let him/her be. Don't waste your energy on trying to change that person.

I tried that too. With my cousin and Mom. I was feeling a bit down, physically and emotionally too, I told this to Mom. I was feeling feverish and was coughing. Its not that she dint bother but she was busy in her work. Had it been some other day, I would not have left any stone unturned to grab her attention. But I simply let her be. And let me myself be too. I was calm, told a dear friend how I was feeling and simply sat down on chair for lot of time. Then I had dinner and took medicines. I felt better..not because of medicines but because of myself.

That is all for today.

Adios.

Pages from Diary - 20

Okay. I want this to be last time I would write about this.. Do I need always reminder that my Mom doesn't love me? And that she thinks of me like her responsibility or duty than love or care??

There is this difference in treating your child with love and thinking that she is your responsibility. Responsibility is formal and usually unwanted obligation. My Mother treats me like later because she thinks that she needs to think just as much about that would be enough so that my in-laws won't curse her for my upbringing. Not a pinch more, not a pinch less.. So there is no love/care whatsover.. I have at least two incidents that would prove this..

(And I am being perfectly rational and unbiased here. I don't think of myself as victim. While thinking all this, I was considering myself as third person and I dint give myself any favours which might have ended up into false conclusions.)

*****

Incident 1:

This happened two years back in July. I was in my sophomore year of degree. It was a rainy day and all roads were muddy and slippery.  On that day, I was coming from college and a buffalo came across my Scooty, her horn hit the handle and I fell down. Few people came to help me (May God give bless them with long life). My right knee was badly injured. My white legging was filled with blood from the wound. Despite of that, I drove to home for almost 15 minutes. When I came home, Mom saw the wound. She saw that the leg was not broken. And then said, "I don't think you need to go to doctor right now. No hurry." Dad scolded her and took me to the GP. My wound was so deep that the bone was visible from it. That doc took half an hour for dressing the wound and prescribed me 6 tablets a day and protein shake.

Later one day, she said, "If you had your knee broken and had you been disabled, then how could we have managed to get married !!!!".

I was speechless.

Incident 2:

This happened a couple of days back. I fell on my head and got my waist bone hurt.She asked me once after long time I was hurt that if I was okay. Then in the evening, she asked once again to confirm that my brain is not injured.

How can they get me married if my brain is hurt??

So she had point once again..

*****

Enough said..

Security and Privacy {Links - 3}

Our information is not safe on internet..especially if we use Google everyday..now who doesn't use Google regularly..!!!

But Google TRACKS US..

Here is how it trackes us..albeit by sugar-coating it..

And we can opt out of it still I am doubtful about it..because Google has been really suspicious these days.. (Or was it always like this and we came to know now??)

*****

HTTPS means Secured Hypertext transfer protocol..read more about it here.

That article is full of tech lingo so for now just remember that HTTPS should (or must) be preferred over just HTTP. So EFF and Tor Project made this add-on named

 

Install it  for secure browsing. For Firefox and Chrome both..

*****

This awesome guy Giorgio Maone made an add-on for firefox.. NoScript Security Suite.. He says that

"Rather than disabling JavaScript and other potentially exploitable technologies everywhere, which was the only work-around available, I decided to develop a more usable approach, giving myself and other users the ability to allow active content on trusted sites."

Install it here..

*****

Illustrated guide to filter bubble by DuckDuckGo

*****

Do Not Track Us

*****

Fix Tracking

I installed all the add-ons enlisted here..

*****

I made DuckDuckGO my default search engine..and now I am being a bit skeptic about using Chrome because it is made by Google. BTW I am a Computer Engineer, buddying geek, sparsely use Windows and staunch supporter of FOSS. And I personally feel that privacy is utmost important and there should be no compromise when it comes to privacy, security and confidentiality. These three words may sound similar but they have different meanings. (For more information refer to Cryptography and Network Security by William Stallings)

Men, Sheer Clothing and Shri Devi {Thinking Aloud - 3}

Warning: Don't open hyperlinks in this post if you are reading this in office internet..

I am feeling a bit awkward to write this..but I felt there should be an extension to Thinking aloud -1. So here it is. This is toooo damn awkward.. :-| Okay.. Here it goes..

Few weeks back, when I was in college, once I was talking to a guy friend in corridor and we were standing beside the wall facing each other.. It was break time so people were going to or coming from the class-rooms. While talking to him, I was (obviously) looking at him..but he was not looking at me.. That was a bit different from how he used to be. We hardly chatted in corridor and usually we sit in class-room or canteen or at Chaiwala. We used to sit and talk.

So I was looking at him..then I was paying attention to him.. Then I realized that he was looking at pretty or not-so-pretty girls. Then I looked more carefully and he was not really at their faces but..umm..well at breasts.

(Actually this is no-brainer but this was first time I saw some guy actually staring at boobs... No..no..2nd time.. First time it was a very good (another) friend but that is even more awkward than this..)

Okay.. Guys watch porn...and it is available like never before(Courtesy of internet).. They have girlfriend/s whom they probably sleep with. (Not all but some).. Now they have access to such enormous variety(!!!!) why would still they stare at breasts of girl passing by..even if she is not wearing plunging neckline or V-neck dress..

(Some boys have head-to-toe look but some other day on that)

Somewhere I read that guys are curious about it so they stare..but can their eyes scan via the dress and see it?? And FCS, boobs are boobs.. I mean what would be different?? (Please not that I am not against guys staring at boobs.. I know its natural but its a bit hard to digest)

Somewhere else I got to read that boys are attached to breasts right since breast-feeding.. Come on...what about guys who don't get breast-fed?? 

Also I have noticed one thing. Girls do wear clothes that would highlight their "assets" but that doesn't include nipples.. They just show some part of it to make others(read guys/men) curious about it.. What the hell is point of this??

And media makes havoc when some celebrity wears see-through clothing causing nipslip and side-boobs..?? So breasts are okay and nipples are not.. Huh!!! Or is it like now it has became okay to show off a part of breast but nipples are NO-NO??

The other day, I watched a movie Lamhe on DD National..starring Shri Devi and Anil Kapoor as leads.. The songs pictured on Shri Devi, she danced so well.. And in one of the songs, she was wearing traditional Rajsthani Ghagra-Choli. Why about some old flick in this post? Because in that attire, there were no plunging neckline..no bare midriff..just as much as some orthodox Rajsthani married woman do while wearing Saree or Ghagra-choli?? Further as the film proceeds, they go to London..there again.. She was wearing simple and vibrant skirt-midis.. T-shirts and pants..all of them colorful and chic but not showing off her breasts or midriff.. And she delivered stunning performance. Show off had nothing to do with her acting.. She was not trying to look sexy. Her dances were suave.. She dint have to show bare,toned back to dance well. She was immersed completely into character. And her character had shades of an adult girl to teen girl of sixteen..(I said in reverse order because the adult one gives birth to a daughter and dies. And then Shri Devi herself plays the role of her adolescent daughter.)

She was so graceful in her own skin..so natural and yet soo much the character itself.. How many actress can today do this without looking sexy, wearing bikini

and smooching on-screen? I am not against kisses, bikinis or bare midriffs/backs.. Just that it is not part of acting..or so do I think..

Enough of rambling now and going back to the original question..

I found this research on men's staring at breasts by Larry Young(iske toh naam mein hi jawani hain :P ;))..

And here an article that kinda praises celebrities who can rock see-thru clothes.. Most other are like.."OMG..she is wearing transparent dress and her nipples are visible..click..click..."

Timepass {Links - 2}

I don't want to put on makeup.. So I decided to see if there are netizens like me.. And I found this..

http://twenty-somethingtravel.com/2013/01/what-i-learned-from-a-year-without-make-up/

I was so messy and un-thoughtful..

http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/22-things-youre-doing-wrong

This was a good read.. Thought Catalog is what I read to kill time..

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/25-things-you-should-remember-to-do-every-day/

The French hold the no-makeup look in high regard. I suddenly started liking French people.. :P

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/25/fashion/thursdaystyles/25skin.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Pages from Diary - 19

It was rather bad day today..

I went to upstairs and fell on my head..on the slippery terrace..

There were algae and little mud and lots of water..and I fell in that..

And my head is aching..

I seldom cry when I fall or get injured, but today I literally burst into tears there itself.. Thank God my spectacles were okay..and so was head..

Anyhow, so I cried.. As always, Mom asked once or twice about it and she went out for her work..

I felt bad at first but then it was okay suddenly..

I fell because I was gonna fell..call it whatever fate, destiny, kismet or human mistake..

My head is aching but I can tolerate that..

Mom dint care and I can tolerate that too..

Dad doesn't know and I dint tell him..I may not tell him..

I took responsibility for my pains and its fine..never better... 

How to install Google Chrome in openSUSE 12.3

I installed openSUSE 12.3 recently. Installing Chrome on it is pretty easy. Just two commands..

linux-gw6t:~ #

zypper addrepo http://dl.google.com/linux/chrome/rpm/stable/x86_64/ google-chrome-x86_64

After this command, you will see something like this..

 

Having done that,

linux-gw6t:~ # zypper install google-chrome-stable

 

Done!!!

To run Google Chrome as root,

linux-3y8t:~ # vim /usr/bin/google-chrome

Enter --user-data-dir in the last line like shown in the image below.

Source>>

I got these commands here:

http://pkgs.org/fedora-centos-rhel-opensuse-mandriva/google-chrome-x86_64/google-chrome-stable-28.0.1500.71-209842.x86_64.rpm.html

Pages from Diary - 18

I realize this almost everyday. I am going to leave my home..and nobody is going to call me and tell me that they are missing me. Neither I have a big friend circle to keep in touch with....(a couple of good friends..that is all)

I am going to live in a new city..where I don't have friends..

It feels bad but its okay..

And its really not question of being positive or negative here..or so do I think..

Just I felt bad, because I don't have anything to take me with..

I have never been great friend to anyone..I don't have any special ability..or even any special skill..I don't have anything that will people remember me for.

Its not negative or positive but true..bitter bite of truth.

Pages from Diary -17

Those anti-depressants have shown their side-effect first time. I was drowsy all day long. And under pressure too..because Mom scolds if I go to sleep.

I was dozing entire morning and literally waiting for Mom to go out so that I could sleep peacefully for at least half-an-hour.

And I saw two recursive dreams..after long time..like 6-8 weeks..

In first dream, I was sleeping in my dream and there I was seeing dream and sleeping there again.. I was trying to wake up in last level dream but of course I could not.. All I was hearing was Mom's voice in background and her scolding..

Another recursive dream was in the noon. I have decided to nap for hour but again the same thing. Mom's scolding, I was sleeping and my heart beating fat..

Both of them drained me.. It was probably worst experience..

The day was blank like a black board and I lost all the white chalks..

Pages from Diary - 16

I like a certain guy...since say 3 years but it sounds like I like him since ages. 

So few weeks ago, I asked him when does he plans to get married. He said no less than the age of 28.

Needless to say, that kinda made me anxious and sad too. Because by the time he'll turn 28, I would have turned 25. And there is little chance that my folks would let me be unmarried for this age. But I could not tell him that. I knew what he was going to say.. "Live your own life"..and stuff like that. Not that what he says is wrong. But I was kind of worried.

Later I went to psychiatrist and he diagnosed me as depressive disorder patient.
Hmmmmmmmm!!!
Do I have any right to get married and have kids now??
A wise man would answer NO.

My mother was depressed at the time when she got married and that continued even when she was pregnant and when I was borned, it became even worse.
And that bloody depression showed its true colors when I was in 5th standard. I did not tell this to doc but I have been feeling suicidal since 5th standard. That means I am in depression for last 11 years..

I have little or no idea when I will be cured completely for my depression. And I don't want to get married till it cures completely. I don't want to have kids with depression.. I know they would end up being brilliant and artistic but may not be mentally balanced i.e. anxious and depressed.

I will not ask him again when he plans to get married.

Reputation aka Khandaan ki Izzat {Thinking Aloud - 2}

So, I had to listen tantrums from mother once again.. She was like "don't go in the new city and do anything that would spoil our reputation."

When yesterday, I had gone to Pune, I felt nice. I always always wanted to live where nobody knows me. And in Pune, only 6 people know me so far.

What can go wrong with me here?? Let me enlist it..

1. I might get a boyfriend and go on date with him.
2. I might sleep with him.
3. I might get raped.
4. I might have bad girl friends.

These are the things that would spoil my family's reputation in society, relatives, friends etc.

They DO NOT think it this way..

1. If she falls in love, and gets her heart broken, she would never be able to love anyone again..
2. She might get STDs or even worse AIDS.
3. She will get huge and painful scars, mental, physical and emotional and never be able to speak up for herself again. She will be punished for mistake that is not her own. She might end up hating her womanhood.
4. The company of bad girls might lead to drinking, smoking or even worse narcotic drugs.

They don't really and honestly care about me, my body, my heart, my soul.

All they think about is their REPUTATION that is not going to come in grave. Nobody has time to think about you and your reputation people..

Everybody has their own businesses.

I HATE HATE HATE you.. Shame on mother like you..

Save ink and Self-help :P {Links - 1}

Links of some articles I would love to share:

Fonts for saving printer link..

http://www.labnol.org/internet/fonts-for-saving-printer-ink/12603/

Becoming a better judge of people:

a list of intrinsic factors that would help to the the person

http://blogs.hbr.org/tjan/2013/06/becoming-a-better-judge-of-peo.html

Things that make us look rude:

I am guilty of doing these things many times..

http://girlsguideto.com/articles/12-things-we-do-on-a-daily-basis-that-make-us-look-rude

Bone health, Calcium, cholocalciferol  and more..

http://smallbites.andybellatti.com/beyond-milk-theres-much-more-to-bone-health-than-calcium-and-vitamin-d/

Guys and Porn and blah... {Thinking Aloud -1}

The other day, my Aunt was telling me about one of her acquaintances. The married couple she lived few days with. I don't know whether I should write about it or not still..

Okay, so about that couple..they don't have child, the wife is somewhat fierce and tomboyish..not in attire but in attitude and talking..

My Aunt was telling me that the husband watches Yoga shows on TV all the day. I was like so what's wrong with that..(referring to my own Yoga practice everyday.. Yoga is cool and necessary..) She said "No.. Is it polite to watch half-naked women in home on TV...??". Now I got it..

I can not obviously say that it is wrong or right..because I am not a man or even a guy for that matter.. I am 20-something girl..and I think though it is impolite, it is natural.. Come on, all men are like this..

Now about some of my guy friends..in 1 of the friends had photos of complete nude women on his phone and I accidently went to that folder while seeing the photos of trips. I was shocked at that time. Later, my project partner..he had entire project we were doing on his laptop..and he was going out of station just a couple of days before the deadline.. So I asked whether I could keep his laptop with me so that I would be able to do some last minute finishing.. He hesitated first but then said, "Okay.. Keep this with you..but if you happen to see something that you are not supposed to, then don't blame me for that.." Hmmmmmmmmm...!! That was tough question indeed..

Even later, I was peeking when another friend was doing some work on his laptop. I asked whether he had iso image of a certain Linux distro.. He said, "let me search..". He took the cursor to the searchbox and started typing the name. Before doing that, a list appeared about previous searches he did in it as it was Windows 7. And viola, I saw "Bras, Pussies.." in that list.. I had became kinda wise after previous two experiences..but this was really WTF!! For many days after this, I could not talk properly with this guy!! Any time, his phone or text would remind of this incident..

I was feeling uneasy even when his name was mentioned.. It was weird.. I knew that boys watch porn..they download it..and blah.. But I didn't know that this would be case with 3 of my close friends.. Nevertheless..

Then I came across this. Though I don't have boyfriend, who watches porn, this is a good read for a girl's perspective. I don't really agree with the article still she has some good points. And here is guy's perspective on watching porn.

P. S.: I am not pro-porn..neither I watch porn myself. I have seen some blogs on porn and read some stories out of curiosity but that doesn't interest me. I am not against boys' watching porn but neither I am on the same page with them. I think of this as matter of personal choice and individuality. I don't want to link this to morality and ethics or even religion.

P. P. S. : I thought I need to say this. I am highly against boys who rape a girl because they watched/read some rape-fantasy and pedophiles too.

P. P. P. S.: What I mentioned in post-post-scrip, was related to some statistics I read in a book(forgot the name), a while back. It says that 84% rapists told to police that they raped the girl because they wanted to mimic what they read/saw in porn. The statistics is from USA so might not be applicable everywhere still it is dangerous..

Pages from Diary - 15

F-i-n-a-l-l-y..I am going to be in Pune for few months (I wanted to say for rest of my life but this would be too early to say that). The landlady is straightforward and landlord is strict. But I have no problem. Because honestly and frankly, all I wish to do is study, study and more study.. No..not the kind of study we do for exam..but the kind of which we do to learn concepts by heart and implement them.. I have already made the list of things to be carried there. I already have most of the things I am going to need and few are yet to be purchased.

****

I need to go to my psychiatrist and get medicines worth a complete month. I know I would not be able to live without them.

****

Since few days, I have been fond of Lacto calamine lotion, the aloe vera variety. Reason being, it contains zinc oxide which acts as sunscreen too. But now, I am hating it. I would prefer to go bare-faced instead of lotion-ladden face. It gives the face pinkish white caste while my skin has yellow undertones. And my neck is clearly yellowish. And then there is this difference between face and neck which is made visible by this lotion. So from now on, bare-face!!

****

I am going to take at least a dozen of mammoth-sized books with me. Just-in-case I need them. (I know I am not going to need most of them still..I can't live without books)

****

Pages from Diary - 14

So I will be in new city.. Pune!!

I have had this weird attraction towards Pune since really long time. All of my friends in highschool and in college too have one or more kith and kins in Pune. Some people even hailed from Pune. They always used to brag about what did they buy in Pune, latest fashion, trendy shrugs, clutches, flats, accessories and food too. Having all my relatives in Kolhapur, i have never been to Pune neither I had anyone there.. I always bought clothes from here itself and I never even occasionally went there. And all I kept hearing was about Pune. I was a lot curious about the city itself and also the people there.

I tried to postpone this thing but finally I am going there for further education for say one year at least. I am not even a bit excited. Rather tense!!

In my recent trip to Pune for inquiry about the course I want to take up, I saw some girls at that center. Most of them were of my age with loads of makeup on face, perfectly trendy and well may not be chic. I need to mention that none of them was a french chic.

Well, I will never fit here. No..I am not deciding anything. But I just feel that mentally and emotionally, I might end up being an outsider. I am not makeup-freak neither I have long, beautiful finger nails to pop up a bold manicure. I am not pretty. I like greys, blacks, navy blues, beiges and purples. I would hardly pop up any statement accessory because I would say I dislike them. I can not type or work or write if I wear rings or wristwatch or bangles or bracelets. I don't like neck-pieces. I keep my nails colorless almost always and I never grow them.(I cut my nails every other day.) I carry so much stuff with me that it can not fit in a handbag or even worse a clutch.

I am student at heart, can not do without diaries, books, stationery, writing pads etc. And a plain jane, too.. Makeup is not really my thing. So does being chic. I almost have never followed fashion trends. I never shop for the sake of shopping or just try cosmetics. I am skeptic and rarely spendthrift.   Perfectly happy with good books, good food and solitude.

I wonder how I am going to live in this city...

Things I want my kid/s to learn..

Disclaimer: I am neither a Mom nor i am pregnant nor married. But still I feel there are few things my to be kid/s should learn by heart..lessons to be learned which can not be taught..

Things I want my kid/s to learn:

• Success and failure both are temporary. Neither lasts forever. The important thing is what you learnt through the process..the way it changed you.. Your success and/or failure are not you. They are just one of the things happening to you. So they don't necessarily define you.
• Bragging seldom leads you to the place you want. First do, then speak.
• Pay attention to breathing. Breathing is life. If you breath in and can not breath out, you are dead. So breathe.
• Money is important but it is not the most important things. Money is medium not the aim..neither it should be. Think of telephone. We need phone. It is just a medium. Because it lets us connect with the person we want to talk to. But a phone is useless if there is no person on the other side. Precisely, money is medium to buy luxurious things and amenities. But health, people, sleep and love are things that can not be bought.
• Do your own mistakes and learn from them. Don't repeat them though.
• Life is a school. Be a good student and learn as much as you can.
• Facts are important but details are more important.

Pages from Diary - 13

So, I was diagnosed with depressive disorder. Something I knew for last 3 years but I called it depression. Later I realized that depression and depressive disorder are two different things. I told the doc that I don't feel like living anymore and about torture and low self-esteem. He prescribed me an anti-depressant and a folate. I started feeling better in the first dose itself.

On the third day, I felt like being normal. And trust me, I have never felt "normal" in last 8 years. I started to study enthusiastically and I found that I actually enjoyed and understood it. In fact, even there is some film being broadcast-ed on TV, still it failed to capture my attention. And I am Gemini..extremely unstable and unable to focus but I did. Even the kittens could not have my attention. I don't play with them.

Anyhow, later one thought popped up in my mind. What is the difference between suicide and self-harm? Suicide is crime against nature and I fear nature's laws more than anything. So I will not commit suicide under any circumstances. True!! But what about self-harm?? When the nature's laws were told, it did not include self-harm. Even Buddhism and Jainism follow principles of non-violence but I feel religions are artificial so it does not matter.

In self-harm, a person dies a little every day with every cut. And trust me, no one would self harm for fun. They think of it as punishment to themselves. (I have been there or I am still there..in thoughts and not in actions. There is big wall of small anti-depressants standing between me and that knife. The best part to cut would be thigh as I don't wear thigh-baring dresses or mini-skirts for that matter.)

They feel they are guilty of something or they lack something. So they feel they deserve nothing good but scars and wounds. Its difficult feeling to deal with. 
And they see no tomorrow..no hopes..so they don't improve. The process of healing the cuts produces serotonin in brain. And that makes feel good. I have never cut myself physically but i have dreamed of cutting or mentally cut myself few times. It feels like getting rid of one sin in the past..one bad day is erased..one mistake is corrected...one lie is forgiven.. It feels like going closer to God and farther away from humans. It feels like taking complete responsibilities of your mistakes and sins..without blaming anyone..

This is game of mind... The mind is player, winner and loser..

Pages from Diary - 12

So finally I went to take Psychiatrist's appointment. The receptionist was puzzled to see an outwardly cheerful girl, so she asked me what was my problem. I calmly said, Insomnia.. She smiled and said okay. And she gave me tomorrow's appointment. insomnia is just the consequence. My dark circles say a lot about torture from Mom, fear of failure and crying for my best friend.

But not everyone can read it.. Right?

And those who can read it, are away from my sight!!

 

Sakura - IV

Her screaming woke him up. He went in the room and saw her shivering in fear and crying...with her face hiding behind her hands. He was puzzled..he removed her hands from her face and she was in great shock..

She had seen a nightmare the night before..

She told him everything and cried, cried and cried..finally fell into his arms..

He held her tight but said nothing.. He was speechless.

After sometime, when she was feeling slightly better, he went in and made breakfast for her.

Egg tamagoyaki, fresh miso soup and boiled rice!!

As she was eating it, he kept staring at her.. When she asked about his breakfast, he said that he was not feeling hungry..

She was feeling at home..after a long.. The hearty breakfast reminded her of bentos he used to bring office..the colorful and flavourful ones. And she used to finish most of it, everyday..and he kept staring at her..just like he was doing now!! (Later he started bringing two bento boxes, one for her and one for he, himself!!)

Here, he was gathering his words..or crafting his words carefully.. Today was not Valentine's day neither Rose day. But he said to himself, love and friendship don't need a special day!!

She got ready. It was Sunday. She came into the living room and saw him there, sitting, waiting for her. There was this awkward moment..nobody was talking still both were listening.

He stood up, went to her and said,

"I am so sorry. I never expressed myself to you clearly. I never said 'I love you'. Did not proposed to you.. All I did was just staring at you, while you talking cheerfully about something and be amazed. I was shy and did not talk much but you always made me feel relaxing and comfortable. And this is not just about what I said. It lies a lot in what I couldn't put in words..but I know you would read my eyes and understand everything.. You are everything I could possibly ask for and much more.. You are the ivory crescent in dark sky and first ray of Sun in the foggy morning. I love you a lottt.. Will you marry me?"

This was all unexpected for her. She did not say anything for few moments..

Later she chuckled and said

"Yes but only if you will make me bento box every day."

He laughed loudly and said, "Oui ma chère!!"

Sakura - III

It was a dark, starry night...and he stood speechless there..in front of her.

"Okay" He said softly. And continued..

"Long ago I realised that i can not live without you.. No.. It was not as literal and obvious as it sounds. Its different. I fell for you but with eyes wide open and senses wide awake. At first, it was passionate and intense..like a fire in my heart and it burnt me all along. But as time passed, I became calmer and softer.. Then one day, you were gone.. Technically, we were living in adjacent apartments but still you were far away. And the long, yellow flames of the fire, suddenly became quiet lights in the path. Then i left Tokyo and came here. I knew I want to live with you so I was quiet aloof still nice to people around me but as always I did not allow anyone to peek into my heart. Then I started writing poems. My every tear became a word. Every day, I spent without became a poem. And every memory became a story. And no, it was not sad always. Rather I was sometimes happy too. I had fortune to meet my soulmate. So what if we did not end up together!! I started meditating and that calmed my mind. Earlier your memories used to come like thunderstorms. Now they became cool breezes. "

She stood there itself thinking how much he has changed still he is same all along.

After having dinner, she said that she is going to stay there itself. He showed her the guest bedroom. She went in and wept silently. And in all those tears, went to sleep.

In the morning, she woke up and went to bathroom. She saw there him. He was wearing bathrobe, lying in the bathtub filled with warm water. And the water had turned magenta red. Shiny silver knife was lying there on the floor. She screamed intensely.

To be continued...