This is who I am {Pages from Diary - 25}

A cousin of mine got married a week ago. I skipped the wedding function. (I hadn't attended her engagement ceremony too but it had different reasons.. It was my University exam back then). Why I didn't attend her wedding would have been different post altogether..but to cut the story short, I would say, I did not wanted to sound as next eligible girl(as I graduated recently and now searching for job) and another thing, that girl had said really unpleasent things to my Dad.. So I dislike her a lot. So that was that... 

After the wedding ceremony, I got a call from Dad. I did not ask him anything but he told me that wedding function costed 8 lakh INR. I was like WTF. Seriously....?? 8 lakh??? All on decoration and flowers and music system..and food..which nobody eats properly...for relatives we see once or at most twice in entire life time.... Before I start talking about how this money could have been invested for long term, let me come to the point :P

The point of writing this post was entirely different.. In that call Dad told me one more thing..what my Mom said about my absence.. She was rather relieved that I did not came as wedding ceremony started..and the reason being she said to Dad that our daughter would have felt bad by seeing pretty/beautiful girls here(read my other cousins and their girl friends) wearing designer anarkalis, ghagras and makeup-ladden faces.. Because I am not kind of girl who wears anything bling or having trinkets or jardosi or heavy embroidery stuff...  I don't wear makeup..no lipsticks..no blushes..nothing... I am not beautiful or anything.. I hate vanity..  People don't/won't appreciate for how gorgeous I am looking..or how fair I am(its matters a lot to be fair girl in India at least and I am not fair.. I have wheat complexion with little pinkish undertones..).. I usually bury my head either in some mammoth-sized book or laptop or phone.. I don't gossip(the obvious corollary could be I am sort of not social but actually that is not the case.. I am not interested in talking about other people's lives unless they affect me...and unless of course you are talking about Nikola Tesla :P). 

So in short, my Mom would have felt awkward about having/raising a daughter who is like me or at least it is the best possible line I can interpret what she had said. (I actually wanted to say "ashamed" instead of "awkward" but I felt bad about myself).

No.. I am not going to say anything on this.. I cried a bit..and then I felt numb.. 

But one thing I decided to myself.... I will always be as plain and simple and genuine as I am.. If people in my life feel awkward about me, they can move on with their life..themselves... If someone can't accept me with my simplicity and straightforwardness, they better not relate with me in any way... I won't wear makeup or some outfit that I am not comfortable with(this includes saree too). 

This is who I am.. Nobody said you had to like it..

Little Notes on Life

Gosh!!
Its such a long time I have written anything... Okay,  except codes.. They are my bread(whole wheat, mind you), butter(the white one we get when Mom churns the buttermilk, not Amul Butter) and well, cheese too...

So where I have been for all these days?
I did 2 courses and changed one accomodation..all in 2 months.. And now, I am living in a flat with 4 other girls..who are senior to me..and also doing 3rd course(!!) for an upcoming entrance exam..

I learnt a few things for some amazing people..(No..none of them are/were my room mates or even landlords)...


I keep forgetting what I learnt time to time.. So I will enlist it here.. And no, it won't be some bullet points with one line in front of each big dot..but it will have little background thought process of how I led to it..

First of all, I am not that fiercely ambitious(!!) feminist girl I used to be..
This is my biggest achievement so far.. :P
I want very few things...(Okay..okay.... Van Heusen Formals tops the list)..
Seriously... Good work in the industry I prefer, more than sufficient money(yes, gotta invest something for retirement..), good books.. and living below my means..maintain my mane...good food and broadband/3G internet.

Second thing I realized was success is something I will get when I will be closer to 30s...till then I want to keep doing my work quietly... Because all the amazing people I admire have worked in their industry for 10-15 years... They have expertise in their own domain, are down-to-earth and polite humans. The measure of knowledge and expertise for me is being able to teach some concept, chapter is intelligible and lucid language giving real-life analogies.

Third thing is something I hammer on my mind again and again and again, every damn day... Not to compare myself with anyone.... Its waste of time and thinking process...(I would solve Project Euler problems instead).. I have wasted huge amount of time in comparing myself with other people.. Not any more...

Referring to people I met till date here, just 2-3 people I met were genuinely nice.. Remaining all are, especially room-mates, they are grumpy all day long and selfish too... In their heads all the time... I mean we don't even smile at each other... I tried a lot for past month... Not anymore.. Now I pretend that they don't exist(a dear friend gave me this advice)... I try to be good (if not nice), try to smile, and try to help if possible... And I have stopped hoping/thinking that I will be able to make friends here.. I am not negative as such..but at least I am not desperate... I have bike and I go for chores, breakfast and shopping alone... And I am okay with it.. I badly miss my friends from my town, I miss my home, my parents and my Cat.. But still what I learnt was it doesn't cost much to smile and exchange few sentences.. I will strive to be nice with people who are nice to me
and at least good with people who are bad to me... Somehow I feel, this is more important than going to temple..or praying.. And try not to hold grudge against people around me..(I have been doing this a lot lately...)..


All in all, I want to remain sane and don't lose my hair..and sleep well... Everything else comes later...

Pages from My Diary {24-12-1011}

NB: This is really long back. I found it in my Evernote. Thought of publishing here. Its all depressing stuff. Skip if you don't want to read.

 

 

I really don't know what I want in my life. I don't have even the slightest idea where I'm going to.

I don't know how its gonna end. Though there are few things I'm sure about..

I want to get a job. I want to be really good at English. I wanna learn Japanese. Phew..

Over...

I don't have friends and I really mean it today. I seriously don't have friends.

Recently I broke my friendship with 2 best friends. 

I destroyed my SIM card and got the oldest one.

My inbox is empty these days.. It used to be flooding with with thousands of chat messages and forwards...

My g-Talk chat list is tiny now and nobody is on-line. I don't chat with anyone anymore.

I call AXYZ once or twice a day but she seemed irritated today so I won't call her for 2-3 days.

She is the only friend in contact with me. Life has taken a 360 degree turn within this fortnight. 

I lost 2 kgs. So many things...

But this was bound to happen....

I end up in a misery. Its alright. Life is a cycle so happiness is followed by sorrows, smile is followed by tears, joy is followed by disappointment.

Few days ago, I was high on my social life..lots of friends, thousands of forwards and text chats, talking 5-6 hours a day on phone and what not...

But now, it all disappeared like a dream....

I'm starting with a blank slate again....

I was in this condition one and half year ago but that was different...

This period came with lot of new experiences and mind-shifts..

I really feel bad sometimes....

I don't have anyone to talk to...

And I can't let it go with my usual IDM (It doesn't matter)...

Life is filled with emptiness...

Pages from Diary - 23

So I am in this new city since last fortnight. I have 8 roommates but still I don't share my room with anyone because it is too small to fit two beds. I wash my clothes almost every day by hand. The only luxury is electric water geyser and a maid who comes every morning to clean the rooms.
I am alone and well, lonely too..
I have not made many new friends. Rather I haven't made friends at all.. Just acquaintances.. Because I want to take time to know people.. I am in no hurry..

Had you told me that I was here at this place four years ago, I would have not believed it.. Even now, I am feeling if I am in a dream..

I kind of have freedom but I have to do lots of work everyday.. I doze in tuition and sometimes sleep in the lab on my keyboard..

I want to get a part-time job.. My Parents do support me financially but I want to be independent.. Sometimes I feel that I want to do this because I want to break all ties with them..

Also I go to the temple almost everyday..

P. S. Boring post.. I know.. :P

Pages from Diary - 22

Okay..so i like this guy since say two and half to be accurate..and one day, this thought dawned to me that i am loyal to him.. Is that so?? Of course it is.. For some days after that, i was on cloud 9, that OMG, in this world of one-night-stands(not that they are bad/unethical/immoral but just not my type), i am honest with a guy for this long(!!!!!) time...

Later, my thought process took a different turn.. Was I alone part of this honesty/loyalty?? Or it was his lion's share in being someone to be totally honest with?? Seriously!!!! I wonder now and laugh at my stupid thoughts on it. For some part, I am/was honest which is something in-built in me..you call it sanskara or nature or whatever(Mind you, I am Gemini..the most flirtatious zodiac). But for a large part, its him. I did not get a chance to think about someone else..even if I did, it used to be like..no..no one can be like him.. And even now, when I am in this new city, its quiet big and I see numerous boys everyday, handsome/cute/intelligent/having good sense of humour...but well, I don't want to look at them..even glance...or I see them, and then forget about them..so far, it has been like this.. 

And now, I don't want to label it as like honesty/loyalty/commitment etc. I don't need it.. I know myself..good enough and I know him.. These labels are not useless..They do have some definite meaning but still words have some limitations.. At this point(perhaps it is too early to say so still), I think some things are beyond words..it is not really about the words any more or so I think... Connection is better word..for it..

Stay tuned till I realize new meanings of connection and read between it letters... :P

Lessons from Therapist (Pages from Diary - 21)

So i had been to the Therapist for Psychotherapy and Counseling. It lasted for two hours. And probably one of the best two hours of my life. She told me that we are responsible for managing and handling our own emotions. It would be brief summary of session. But no, its not as simple as it sounds..

And viola, I could implement that too. As I said earlier, I like certain boy. And I used to text him when I miss him. Sometimes he replies and sometimes he does not. Once he did not and I kept thinking about it for entire day though I knew the reasons behind his quietness. Today, it did not happened. I mean, I texted him. He did not reply. But then I texted him saying that its okay if he dint feel like saying so. And I told myself that, I like him, I miss him and I should handle it. And it worked.

Second thing she told me that if certain person it behaving in certain way and this is how he/she is, then let him/her be. Don't waste your energy on trying to change that person.

I tried that too. With my cousin and Mom. I was feeling a bit down, physically and emotionally too, I told this to Mom. I was feeling feverish and was coughing. Its not that she dint bother but she was busy in her work. Had it been some other day, I would not have left any stone unturned to grab her attention. But I simply let her be. And let me myself be too. I was calm, told a dear friend how I was feeling and simply sat down on chair for lot of time. Then I had dinner and took medicines. I felt better..not because of medicines but because of myself.

That is all for today.

Adios.

Pages from Diary - 20

Okay. I want this to be last time I would write about this.. Do I need always reminder that my Mom doesn't love me? And that she thinks of me like her responsibility or duty than love or care??

There is this difference in treating your child with love and thinking that she is your responsibility. Responsibility is formal and usually unwanted obligation. My Mother treats me like later because she thinks that she needs to think just as much about that would be enough so that my in-laws won't curse her for my upbringing. Not a pinch more, not a pinch less.. So there is no love/care whatsover.. I have at least two incidents that would prove this..

(And I am being perfectly rational and unbiased here. I don't think of myself as victim. While thinking all this, I was considering myself as third person and I dint give myself any favours which might have ended up into false conclusions.)

*****

Incident 1:

This happened two years back in July. I was in my sophomore year of degree. It was a rainy day and all roads were muddy and slippery.  On that day, I was coming from college and a buffalo came across my Scooty, her horn hit the handle and I fell down. Few people came to help me (May God give bless them with long life). My right knee was badly injured. My white legging was filled with blood from the wound. Despite of that, I drove to home for almost 15 minutes. When I came home, Mom saw the wound. She saw that the leg was not broken. And then said, "I don't think you need to go to doctor right now. No hurry." Dad scolded her and took me to the GP. My wound was so deep that the bone was visible from it. That doc took half an hour for dressing the wound and prescribed me 6 tablets a day and protein shake.

Later one day, she said, "If you had your knee broken and had you been disabled, then how could we have managed to get married !!!!".

I was speechless.

Incident 2:

This happened a couple of days back. I fell on my head and got my waist bone hurt.She asked me once after long time I was hurt that if I was okay. Then in the evening, she asked once again to confirm that my brain is not injured.

How can they get me married if my brain is hurt??

So she had point once again..

*****

Enough said..

Pages from Diary - 19

It was rather bad day today..

I went to upstairs and fell on my head..on the slippery terrace..

There were algae and little mud and lots of water..and I fell in that..

And my head is aching..

I seldom cry when I fall or get injured, but today I literally burst into tears there itself.. Thank God my spectacles were okay..and so was head..

Anyhow, so I cried.. As always, Mom asked once or twice about it and she went out for her work..

I felt bad at first but then it was okay suddenly..

I fell because I was gonna fell..call it whatever fate, destiny, kismet or human mistake..

My head is aching but I can tolerate that..

Mom dint care and I can tolerate that too..

Dad doesn't know and I dint tell him..I may not tell him..

I took responsibility for my pains and its fine..never better... 

Pages from Diary - 18

I realize this almost everyday. I am going to leave my home..and nobody is going to call me and tell me that they are missing me. Neither I have a big friend circle to keep in touch with....(a couple of good friends..that is all)

I am going to live in a new city..where I don't have friends..

It feels bad but its okay..

And its really not question of being positive or negative here..or so do I think..

Just I felt bad, because I don't have anything to take me with..

I have never been great friend to anyone..I don't have any special ability..or even any special skill..I don't have anything that will people remember me for.

Its not negative or positive but true..bitter bite of truth.

Pages from Diary -17

Those anti-depressants have shown their side-effect first time. I was drowsy all day long. And under pressure too..because Mom scolds if I go to sleep.

I was dozing entire morning and literally waiting for Mom to go out so that I could sleep peacefully for at least half-an-hour.

And I saw two recursive dreams..after long time..like 6-8 weeks..

In first dream, I was sleeping in my dream and there I was seeing dream and sleeping there again.. I was trying to wake up in last level dream but of course I could not.. All I was hearing was Mom's voice in background and her scolding..

Another recursive dream was in the noon. I have decided to nap for hour but again the same thing. Mom's scolding, I was sleeping and my heart beating fat..

Both of them drained me.. It was probably worst experience..

The day was blank like a black board and I lost all the white chalks..

Pages from Diary - 16

I like a certain guy...since say 3 years but it sounds like I like him since ages. 

So few weeks ago, I asked him when does he plans to get married. He said no less than the age of 28.

Needless to say, that kinda made me anxious and sad too. Because by the time he'll turn 28, I would have turned 25. And there is little chance that my folks would let me be unmarried for this age. But I could not tell him that. I knew what he was going to say.. "Live your own life"..and stuff like that. Not that what he says is wrong. But I was kind of worried.

Later I went to psychiatrist and he diagnosed me as depressive disorder patient.
Hmmmmmmmm!!!
Do I have any right to get married and have kids now??
A wise man would answer NO.

My mother was depressed at the time when she got married and that continued even when she was pregnant and when I was borned, it became even worse.
And that bloody depression showed its true colors when I was in 5th standard. I did not tell this to doc but I have been feeling suicidal since 5th standard. That means I am in depression for last 11 years..

I have little or no idea when I will be cured completely for my depression. And I don't want to get married till it cures completely. I don't want to have kids with depression.. I know they would end up being brilliant and artistic but may not be mentally balanced i.e. anxious and depressed.

I will not ask him again when he plans to get married.

Pages from Diary - 15

F-i-n-a-l-l-y..I am going to be in Pune for few months (I wanted to say for rest of my life but this would be too early to say that). The landlady is straightforward and landlord is strict. But I have no problem. Because honestly and frankly, all I wish to do is study, study and more study.. No..not the kind of study we do for exam..but the kind of which we do to learn concepts by heart and implement them.. I have already made the list of things to be carried there. I already have most of the things I am going to need and few are yet to be purchased.

****

I need to go to my psychiatrist and get medicines worth a complete month. I know I would not be able to live without them.

****

Since few days, I have been fond of Lacto calamine lotion, the aloe vera variety. Reason being, it contains zinc oxide which acts as sunscreen too. But now, I am hating it. I would prefer to go bare-faced instead of lotion-ladden face. It gives the face pinkish white caste while my skin has yellow undertones. And my neck is clearly yellowish. And then there is this difference between face and neck which is made visible by this lotion. So from now on, bare-face!!

****

I am going to take at least a dozen of mammoth-sized books with me. Just-in-case I need them. (I know I am not going to need most of them still..I can't live without books)

****

Pages from Diary - 14

So I will be in new city.. Pune!!

I have had this weird attraction towards Pune since really long time. All of my friends in highschool and in college too have one or more kith and kins in Pune. Some people even hailed from Pune. They always used to brag about what did they buy in Pune, latest fashion, trendy shrugs, clutches, flats, accessories and food too. Having all my relatives in Kolhapur, i have never been to Pune neither I had anyone there.. I always bought clothes from here itself and I never even occasionally went there. And all I kept hearing was about Pune. I was a lot curious about the city itself and also the people there.

I tried to postpone this thing but finally I am going there for further education for say one year at least. I am not even a bit excited. Rather tense!!

In my recent trip to Pune for inquiry about the course I want to take up, I saw some girls at that center. Most of them were of my age with loads of makeup on face, perfectly trendy and well may not be chic. I need to mention that none of them was a french chic.

Well, I will never fit here. No..I am not deciding anything. But I just feel that mentally and emotionally, I might end up being an outsider. I am not makeup-freak neither I have long, beautiful finger nails to pop up a bold manicure. I am not pretty. I like greys, blacks, navy blues, beiges and purples. I would hardly pop up any statement accessory because I would say I dislike them. I can not type or work or write if I wear rings or wristwatch or bangles or bracelets. I don't like neck-pieces. I keep my nails colorless almost always and I never grow them.(I cut my nails every other day.) I carry so much stuff with me that it can not fit in a handbag or even worse a clutch.

I am student at heart, can not do without diaries, books, stationery, writing pads etc. And a plain jane, too.. Makeup is not really my thing. So does being chic. I almost have never followed fashion trends. I never shop for the sake of shopping or just try cosmetics. I am skeptic and rarely spendthrift.   Perfectly happy with good books, good food and solitude.

I wonder how I am going to live in this city...

Pages from Diary - 13

So, I was diagnosed with depressive disorder. Something I knew for last 3 years but I called it depression. Later I realized that depression and depressive disorder are two different things. I told the doc that I don't feel like living anymore and about torture and low self-esteem. He prescribed me an anti-depressant and a folate. I started feeling better in the first dose itself.

On the third day, I felt like being normal. And trust me, I have never felt "normal" in last 8 years. I started to study enthusiastically and I found that I actually enjoyed and understood it. In fact, even there is some film being broadcast-ed on TV, still it failed to capture my attention. And I am Gemini..extremely unstable and unable to focus but I did. Even the kittens could not have my attention. I don't play with them.

Anyhow, later one thought popped up in my mind. What is the difference between suicide and self-harm? Suicide is crime against nature and I fear nature's laws more than anything. So I will not commit suicide under any circumstances. True!! But what about self-harm?? When the nature's laws were told, it did not include self-harm. Even Buddhism and Jainism follow principles of non-violence but I feel religions are artificial so it does not matter.

In self-harm, a person dies a little every day with every cut. And trust me, no one would self harm for fun. They think of it as punishment to themselves. (I have been there or I am still there..in thoughts and not in actions. There is big wall of small anti-depressants standing between me and that knife. The best part to cut would be thigh as I don't wear thigh-baring dresses or mini-skirts for that matter.)

They feel they are guilty of something or they lack something. So they feel they deserve nothing good but scars and wounds. Its difficult feeling to deal with. 
And they see no tomorrow..no hopes..so they don't improve. The process of healing the cuts produces serotonin in brain. And that makes feel good. I have never cut myself physically but i have dreamed of cutting or mentally cut myself few times. It feels like getting rid of one sin in the past..one bad day is erased..one mistake is corrected...one lie is forgiven.. It feels like going closer to God and farther away from humans. It feels like taking complete responsibilities of your mistakes and sins..without blaming anyone..

This is game of mind... The mind is player, winner and loser..

Pages from Diary - 12

So finally I went to take Psychiatrist's appointment. The receptionist was puzzled to see an outwardly cheerful girl, so she asked me what was my problem. I calmly said, Insomnia.. She smiled and said okay. And she gave me tomorrow's appointment. insomnia is just the consequence. My dark circles say a lot about torture from Mom, fear of failure and crying for my best friend.

But not everyone can read it.. Right?

And those who can read it, are away from my sight!!

 

Pages from Diary - 11

गौरी च्या कथेमध्ये कशी कुणास ठावूक..पण मला मीच सापडून जाते..
नमू खूपशी माझ्यासारखी आहे..(का मी तिच्यासारखी आहे)..बाकी इतर गोष्टी वेगळ्या असोत..पण एक माणूस म्हणून किंवा एक बाईपण म्हणून ही मला नमू जवळची वाटते..
तिची कथा वाचताना मला कसा कुणास ठावून माझ्यातला साधेपणा परत सापडत गेला...
आणि तिचा विलक्षण निरागसपणा अगदी जवळचा वाटला..
तिचं बुजर्या स्वभावात मला मीच दिसले..
(हे लिखाण गौरीच्या कथेबद्दल नाहीच.. तिच्या पात्रांबद्दल ही नाही..
माझ्याबद्दल आहे.. गौरी वाचताना मला नव्याने जाणवलेल्या माझ्याबद्दल..)
तिच्या गोष्टींमधलं  प्रेम हि मोठ विलक्षण असत..
अगदी खोल खोल जाणार्या, अथांग डोहासारख..अयोनियानासारख..
गूढ..हिरवं-निळ..तरीही नितळ पाण्यासारखं!!!
शब्दही सुंदर..नेमके आणि नेटके..
कुठेही मखमलीपणा नाही..अघळ-पघळ नाही..
तरीही वाचत राहावं आणि डोळ्यांनाच नव्हे तर हृदयालाही भिडून जाव अस लिहिण...

कालिंदी बद्दल परत कधीतरी!!

Pages from Diary - 10

 I have loved my each best friend..a lot..like we all do..right since schooldays..to this engineering..
Each of them is special..and frankly speaking I did not just loved 'em all but also fallen in love with them...adored them..

May be my love was not enough or perhaps because I did not keep in touch..as time passed..they forgot me..and so did I..
We did not exactly shared our interests or hobbies or even opinions..
Dunno exactly what struck the chord..
I am not going to analyze it...as  I have moved on with my life...
Its not that I got only happiness and no tears..
I have cried for each of them...and loved them even more than me myself...
And I have parted ways with all of them....
The purpose of writing all this is...
Well, some time back, same happened with one more friend...
and I kinda decided and concluded hastily that I will not make friends..again...no close relationships..and blah...and all this at the age of 20....
Sounds horrible...isn't it?
Hmmmm...
But today...I read something that was missing in my life...
Gauri Deshpande...

 
She is the person who makes me to see beyond my fears and pain..and tears...
So i decided yet again...
I am going to make friends...and fall for each of them...
and even if broken...I will keep loving with the pieces....

Like Gulzar said rightly,

कुछ मेरे यार थे रहते थे मेरे साथ हमेशा
कोई साथ आया था,उन्हें ले गया,फिर नहीं लौटे

शेल्फ़ से निकली किताबों की जगह ख़ाली पड़ी है!

Pages from Diary - 9

I have liked I hate Luv Storys for many reasons..
One of them is songs..
I got mp3 of all of them but never dared to listen Bin Tere..
I thought i would burst into tears..
But finally the other day i listened to it...on the quiet, dark summer night...while staring at my PC screen..aimlessly....
Thinking I would cry now..ok next line...ok..now tears will roll down...
But no...
None of it happened...
Why...
Have I lost all my emotions...??

Pages from Diary - 8

no god in heaven can cure my pain..

there's no book which can give me answers..

no hanky can wipe my tears..

no human can understand my sorrow..

no shea butter can make my dry lips soft..

no rose water can comfort my tired eyes...

no words can express what i feel..

i might cry till the end of world..

and when angels will ask me about my life...

i'll say...i was rude and inconsiderate with people in my life...

and i have got my punishment on the earth itself..

please let me sleep in my tomb...and let my soul breath..

let me close my eyes...and let that breeze whisper in the ears of my beloved...

i have loved you till my last breath....and i'll love you in hell or heaven....

Lines to live by:

• Read books..
• Keep phone on silent mode..
• Sleep at 10pm..
• Eat chocolates, nuts and cheese
• Drink milk..
• Live your own life..
• Don't do something just to please others or to fit in..
• Be happy..
• Pray.. Pray.. Pray..
• Coding is your bread and butter.. Do it mindfully and with complete faith..
• Tumbling in moderation..
• Water plants..everyday.. (except on rainy days)
• Use Linux..everyday.. (Windows once in a while)
• Pay attention to feeling well..
• Smile often and forgive easily..
• This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like me.
• Learn to cook..
• Focus..
• Write..often..everyday..
• Take copious notes..
• Save money often and splurge once in a while..
• Don't get stressed.. Heart is more important than marks, presentations and money..
• Relish and savor the food..
• Learn new words..everyday..
• Glucose is important..so is water.
• Evening primrose is not pink..
• Tree, books and sunshine are your best friends..