Pages from Diary - 19

It was rather bad day today..

I went to upstairs and fell on my head..on the slippery terrace..

There were algae and little mud and lots of water..and I fell in that..

And my head is aching..

I seldom cry when I fall or get injured, but today I literally burst into tears there itself.. Thank God my spectacles were okay..and so was head..

Anyhow, so I cried.. As always, Mom asked once or twice about it and she went out for her work..

I felt bad at first but then it was okay suddenly..

I fell because I was gonna fell..call it whatever fate, destiny, kismet or human mistake..

My head is aching but I can tolerate that..

Mom dint care and I can tolerate that too..

Dad doesn't know and I dint tell him..I may not tell him..

I took responsibility for my pains and its fine..never better... 

Pages from Diary - 16

I like a certain guy...since say 3 years but it sounds like I like him since ages. 

So few weeks ago, I asked him when does he plans to get married. He said no less than the age of 28.

Needless to say, that kinda made me anxious and sad too. Because by the time he'll turn 28, I would have turned 25. And there is little chance that my folks would let me be unmarried for this age. But I could not tell him that. I knew what he was going to say.. "Live your own life"..and stuff like that. Not that what he says is wrong. But I was kind of worried.

Later I went to psychiatrist and he diagnosed me as depressive disorder patient.
Hmmmmmmmm!!!
Do I have any right to get married and have kids now??
A wise man would answer NO.

My mother was depressed at the time when she got married and that continued even when she was pregnant and when I was borned, it became even worse.
And that bloody depression showed its true colors when I was in 5th standard. I did not tell this to doc but I have been feeling suicidal since 5th standard. That means I am in depression for last 11 years..

I have little or no idea when I will be cured completely for my depression. And I don't want to get married till it cures completely. I don't want to have kids with depression.. I know they would end up being brilliant and artistic but may not be mentally balanced i.e. anxious and depressed.

I will not ask him again when he plans to get married.

Pages from Diary - 15

F-i-n-a-l-l-y..I am going to be in Pune for few months (I wanted to say for rest of my life but this would be too early to say that). The landlady is straightforward and landlord is strict. But I have no problem. Because honestly and frankly, all I wish to do is study, study and more study.. No..not the kind of study we do for exam..but the kind of which we do to learn concepts by heart and implement them.. I have already made the list of things to be carried there. I already have most of the things I am going to need and few are yet to be purchased.

****

I need to go to my psychiatrist and get medicines worth a complete month. I know I would not be able to live without them.

****

Since few days, I have been fond of Lacto calamine lotion, the aloe vera variety. Reason being, it contains zinc oxide which acts as sunscreen too. But now, I am hating it. I would prefer to go bare-faced instead of lotion-ladden face. It gives the face pinkish white caste while my skin has yellow undertones. And my neck is clearly yellowish. And then there is this difference between face and neck which is made visible by this lotion. So from now on, bare-face!!

****

I am going to take at least a dozen of mammoth-sized books with me. Just-in-case I need them. (I know I am not going to need most of them still..I can't live without books)

****

Pages from Diary - 14

So I will be in new city.. Pune!!

I have had this weird attraction towards Pune since really long time. All of my friends in highschool and in college too have one or more kith and kins in Pune. Some people even hailed from Pune. They always used to brag about what did they buy in Pune, latest fashion, trendy shrugs, clutches, flats, accessories and food too. Having all my relatives in Kolhapur, i have never been to Pune neither I had anyone there.. I always bought clothes from here itself and I never even occasionally went there. And all I kept hearing was about Pune. I was a lot curious about the city itself and also the people there.

I tried to postpone this thing but finally I am going there for further education for say one year at least. I am not even a bit excited. Rather tense!!

In my recent trip to Pune for inquiry about the course I want to take up, I saw some girls at that center. Most of them were of my age with loads of makeup on face, perfectly trendy and well may not be chic. I need to mention that none of them was a french chic.

Well, I will never fit here. No..I am not deciding anything. But I just feel that mentally and emotionally, I might end up being an outsider. I am not makeup-freak neither I have long, beautiful finger nails to pop up a bold manicure. I am not pretty. I like greys, blacks, navy blues, beiges and purples. I would hardly pop up any statement accessory because I would say I dislike them. I can not type or work or write if I wear rings or wristwatch or bangles or bracelets. I don't like neck-pieces. I keep my nails colorless almost always and I never grow them.(I cut my nails every other day.) I carry so much stuff with me that it can not fit in a handbag or even worse a clutch.

I am student at heart, can not do without diaries, books, stationery, writing pads etc. And a plain jane, too.. Makeup is not really my thing. So does being chic. I almost have never followed fashion trends. I never shop for the sake of shopping or just try cosmetics. I am skeptic and rarely spendthrift.   Perfectly happy with good books, good food and solitude.

I wonder how I am going to live in this city...

Pages from Diary - 13

So, I was diagnosed with depressive disorder. Something I knew for last 3 years but I called it depression. Later I realized that depression and depressive disorder are two different things. I told the doc that I don't feel like living anymore and about torture and low self-esteem. He prescribed me an anti-depressant and a folate. I started feeling better in the first dose itself.

On the third day, I felt like being normal. And trust me, I have never felt "normal" in last 8 years. I started to study enthusiastically and I found that I actually enjoyed and understood it. In fact, even there is some film being broadcast-ed on TV, still it failed to capture my attention. And I am Gemini..extremely unstable and unable to focus but I did. Even the kittens could not have my attention. I don't play with them.

Anyhow, later one thought popped up in my mind. What is the difference between suicide and self-harm? Suicide is crime against nature and I fear nature's laws more than anything. So I will not commit suicide under any circumstances. True!! But what about self-harm?? When the nature's laws were told, it did not include self-harm. Even Buddhism and Jainism follow principles of non-violence but I feel religions are artificial so it does not matter.

In self-harm, a person dies a little every day with every cut. And trust me, no one would self harm for fun. They think of it as punishment to themselves. (I have been there or I am still there..in thoughts and not in actions. There is big wall of small anti-depressants standing between me and that knife. The best part to cut would be thigh as I don't wear thigh-baring dresses or mini-skirts for that matter.)

They feel they are guilty of something or they lack something. So they feel they deserve nothing good but scars and wounds. Its difficult feeling to deal with. 
And they see no tomorrow..no hopes..so they don't improve. The process of healing the cuts produces serotonin in brain. And that makes feel good. I have never cut myself physically but i have dreamed of cutting or mentally cut myself few times. It feels like getting rid of one sin in the past..one bad day is erased..one mistake is corrected...one lie is forgiven.. It feels like going closer to God and farther away from humans. It feels like taking complete responsibilities of your mistakes and sins..without blaming anyone..

This is game of mind... The mind is player, winner and loser..

Pages from Diary - 12

So finally I went to take Psychiatrist's appointment. The receptionist was puzzled to see an outwardly cheerful girl, so she asked me what was my problem. I calmly said, Insomnia.. She smiled and said okay. And she gave me tomorrow's appointment. insomnia is just the consequence. My dark circles say a lot about torture from Mom, fear of failure and crying for my best friend.

But not everyone can read it.. Right?

And those who can read it, are away from my sight!!

 

Pages from Diary - 11

गौरी च्या कथेमध्ये कशी कुणास ठावूक..पण मला मीच सापडून जाते..
नमू खूपशी माझ्यासारखी आहे..(का मी तिच्यासारखी आहे)..बाकी इतर गोष्टी वेगळ्या असोत..पण एक माणूस म्हणून किंवा एक बाईपण म्हणून ही मला नमू जवळची वाटते..
तिची कथा वाचताना मला कसा कुणास ठावून माझ्यातला साधेपणा परत सापडत गेला...
आणि तिचा विलक्षण निरागसपणा अगदी जवळचा वाटला..
तिचं बुजर्या स्वभावात मला मीच दिसले..
(हे लिखाण गौरीच्या कथेबद्दल नाहीच.. तिच्या पात्रांबद्दल ही नाही..
माझ्याबद्दल आहे.. गौरी वाचताना मला नव्याने जाणवलेल्या माझ्याबद्दल..)
तिच्या गोष्टींमधलं  प्रेम हि मोठ विलक्षण असत..
अगदी खोल खोल जाणार्या, अथांग डोहासारख..अयोनियानासारख..
गूढ..हिरवं-निळ..तरीही नितळ पाण्यासारखं!!!
शब्दही सुंदर..नेमके आणि नेटके..
कुठेही मखमलीपणा नाही..अघळ-पघळ नाही..
तरीही वाचत राहावं आणि डोळ्यांनाच नव्हे तर हृदयालाही भिडून जाव अस लिहिण...

कालिंदी बद्दल परत कधीतरी!!

Pages from Diary - 10

 I have loved my each best friend..a lot..like we all do..right since schooldays..to this engineering..
Each of them is special..and frankly speaking I did not just loved 'em all but also fallen in love with them...adored them..

May be my love was not enough or perhaps because I did not keep in touch..as time passed..they forgot me..and so did I..
We did not exactly shared our interests or hobbies or even opinions..
Dunno exactly what struck the chord..
I am not going to analyze it...as  I have moved on with my life...
Its not that I got only happiness and no tears..
I have cried for each of them...and loved them even more than me myself...
And I have parted ways with all of them....
The purpose of writing all this is...
Well, some time back, same happened with one more friend...
and I kinda decided and concluded hastily that I will not make friends..again...no close relationships..and blah...and all this at the age of 20....
Sounds horrible...isn't it?
Hmmmm...
But today...I read something that was missing in my life...
Gauri Deshpande...

 
She is the person who makes me to see beyond my fears and pain..and tears...
So i decided yet again...
I am going to make friends...and fall for each of them...
and even if broken...I will keep loving with the pieces....

Like Gulzar said rightly,

कुछ मेरे यार थे रहते थे मेरे साथ हमेशा
कोई साथ आया था,उन्हें ले गया,फिर नहीं लौटे

शेल्फ़ से निकली किताबों की जगह ख़ाली पड़ी है!

Pages from Diary - 9

I have liked I hate Luv Storys for many reasons..
One of them is songs..
I got mp3 of all of them but never dared to listen Bin Tere..
I thought i would burst into tears..
But finally the other day i listened to it...on the quiet, dark summer night...while staring at my PC screen..aimlessly....
Thinking I would cry now..ok next line...ok..now tears will roll down...
But no...
None of it happened...
Why...
Have I lost all my emotions...??

Pages from Diary - 8

no god in heaven can cure my pain..

there's no book which can give me answers..

no hanky can wipe my tears..

no human can understand my sorrow..

no shea butter can make my dry lips soft..

no rose water can comfort my tired eyes...

no words can express what i feel..

i might cry till the end of world..

and when angels will ask me about my life...

i'll say...i was rude and inconsiderate with people in my life...

and i have got my punishment on the earth itself..

please let me sleep in my tomb...and let my soul breath..

let me close my eyes...and let that breeze whisper in the ears of my beloved...

i have loved you till my last breath....and i'll love you in hell or heaven....

Lines to live by:

• Read books..
• Keep phone on silent mode..
• Sleep at 10pm..
• Eat chocolates, nuts and cheese
• Drink milk..
• Live your own life..
• Don't do something just to please others or to fit in..
• Be happy..
• Pray.. Pray.. Pray..
• Coding is your bread and butter.. Do it mindfully and with complete faith..
• Tumbling in moderation..
• Water plants..everyday.. (except on rainy days)
• Use Linux..everyday.. (Windows once in a while)
• Pay attention to feeling well..
• Smile often and forgive easily..
• This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like me.
• Learn to cook..
• Focus..
• Write..often..everyday..
• Take copious notes..
• Save money often and splurge once in a while..
• Don't get stressed.. Heart is more important than marks, presentations and money..
• Relish and savor the food..
• Learn new words..everyday..
• Glucose is important..so is water.
• Evening primrose is not pink..
• Tree, books and sunshine are your best friends..

Pages from Diary - 7

I wanted to spend some time alone..all by myself..
So I came to our another home..
It is a small apartment in the city surrounded by similar houses and tall buildings..

The bedroom is spacious, airy and full of light. It has a big wide window facing the road. There's a lush mango tree just in front of it and I hear birds chirping on it.
Warm sun rays from the west are falling on the off-white wall and a cat enjoying its siesta on it..

There are many sounds..the sound of drilling machine, loud horns of vehicles, housewives chattering in the relaxed afternoon, kids playing cricket..
And the sound of flour mill..it defines the locality..


There were so many sounds but no noise..
I am here for some peaceful thinking, sitting alone..
But all I am doing is enjoying the serenity of life around me..
I payed attention to every sound around me..
I heard my breathing..
I heard my heart-beats..
And in all that chaos, I found my peace..

Pages from Diary - 6

I miss my childhood buddies..
One of them was Priyanka..
We were together in 3rd and 4th std. We used to eat tiffin together..do our homework and used to go to each other's places for chitchat and playing..
One strange thing connected us though..
We both were thinking that our Moms don't love us enough and that we were unwanted kids..
She has 2 siblings and I have none..still!!!
We used to complain to each other about Moms and thinking that nobody is gonna love us in our life..
We parted ways after 4th std when her Mom put her in different school than mine..
And haven't met each other in few years..though used to live in same city..
She completed her BCS, got selected at Infosys and now lives in Mysore..
I miss her..
I miss her badly...

Just today Mom met her brother who is a doctor..
She was telling me about him and her..
Dunno why despite me missing her I did not feel like contacting her again...

This is what I hate about myself..
I was damn innocent back then and now I feel as if I lost all of my innocence..
Dunno why do I feel like that...
I feel like I have become selfish and arrogant..

Huh...
Now about losing my innocence..
Well, to cut the long story short...
It was first time in my life that I had huge(really huge) crush on some guy and yeah, we were friends..I mean we used to talk...
The moment I realized that I like certain guy and blah..I suddenly felt like grown up..
Felt like lost my innocence and childishness...
This may not have any co-relation..but..but still this is it..
God knows how many storms passed through my tiny head and kiddo mind...

Pages from Diary - 5

Nowadays, i find myself reading mostly about career advice or technology..

i do not read short-stories..or blogs for that matter...

i do not read poems...

i don't read any kind of fiction..

I make sure to stay away from people..all kinds of people..

Sometimes I pray..sometimes I don't...

If someone is being good/friendly with me, I instantly become skeptic..

How long that person is going to be the same with me??

And an unending series of questions...

Bunked college for two days..

I have no idea what's going on in my head..

I no longer can relate with the songs i hear, poems I read, flicks I watch or even books..

No more smile randomly...

Random texts...

Lyrics of musics...

Everything disappeared like a hazy dream...

I don't even care to look at phone..for nobody's is waiting for my reply and there are no missed calls..

I am so silly.....

How could I take the life for granted..

How could I assume that everything is going to be the same way it has been...

How could I assume that my friends will not change...

ok. I am silly.. It was foolish to assume all this...

But it is okay..

I'll learn to deal with it..

I'll learn to deal with the fact that the people close to me are bound to go far away...willingly...and still I want to be the best with them...

Irrespective of what they are..what they have been..and what they will be....

Pages from Diary - 4

I really don't know what I want in my life. I don't have even the slightest idea where I'm going to. 

I don't know how its gonna end. Though there are few things I'm sure about..

I want to get a job. I want to be really good at English. I wanna learn Japanese. Phew..

Over...

I don't have friends and I really mean it today. I seriously don't have friends.

Recently I broke my friendship with 2 best friends. 

I destroyed my SIM card and got the oldest one.

My inbox is empty these days.. It used to be flooding with with thousands of chat messages and forwards...

My g-Talk chat list is tiny now and nobody is on-line. I don't chat with anyone anymore.

I call Aish once or twice a day but she seemed irritated today so I won't call her for 2-3 days.

She is the only friend in contact with me. Life has taken a 360 degree turn within this fortnight. 

I lost 2 kgs. So many things...

But this was bound to happen....

I end up in a misery. Its alright. Life is a cycle so happiness is followed by sorrows, smile is followed by tears, joy is followed by disappointment.

Few days ago, I was high on my social life..lots of friends, thousands of forwards and text chats, talking hours a day on phone and what not...

But now, it all disappeared like a dream....

I'm starting with a blank slate again....

I was in this condition one and half year ago but that was different...

This period came with lot of new experiences and mind-shifts..

I really feel bad sometimes....

I don't have anyone to talk to...

And I can't let it go with my usual IDM (It doesn't matter)...

Life is filled with emptiness...

P.S. This entry in my diary is an year ago.. And I wonder why i find myself in the same place again, say every 6 months or a year..

Pages from Diary - 3

I wish I could be buried in so much work/study/projects that i would get little or no time to think about
life, happiness, love, friendship, relationships, hurt, care, loneliness..
I'd like to trouble my brain rather than my heart...
Heart breaks,brain does not....
(As long as I'm not glucose-deprived, my brain will work fine..)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this difference always..

What you know VS what you understand..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will never belong to anywhere..
I am a nomad...

Nobody's heart belong to me..
and my heart..well I don't know where did i lost it..

Pages from Diary - 2

Dear You,

You are very superficial person. You live in an illusion and all you can think of is everything except work and study.
You want everything easy. You don't want to read stuff and you boast about something you read more than a year back
and all you remember is few words and key concepts and terminologies (which is very obvious because you have good
English and remembering new words is not a big deal for you).
You feel that you have very efficient study method and your notes are brilliant.
Plain, stupid BS.
If you have very efficient study method, why can't you get distinction ot at least above first class marks?
Don't blame SU or Dept for this.
You don't deserve this because you have not worked towards it.
You are a stupid and dumb person. You need to work hard to get what you want.
Your so-called dreams/maturity/English is in vain.
Alright.

Pages from Diary- 1

I am a kid. I read all kinds of books, have a good taste in arts too..fairly good in academics..
But I have failed in living my life properly..in orderly, structural way.. I am a pseudo-mature, pseudo-realistic.. I live in some Utopia where things automatically fall into place.. I secretly deny to work for what I want..  I was much better, saner when I was 10.. Leave friends, I can not manage myself well.. Terribly impulsive and lazy.. I lie to myself everytime I hit the sheets that everything will be alright tomorrow.. But I treat life as a big holiday..and spend it in laidback way..
Haven't yet figured out what I want..but there is unending list of things I don't want...
Inconsistent even at taking tablets.. Parents thank God that I at least get ready in the morning and eat my own food..
Bought books costing thousands of bucks..haven't turned a single page..in months...
Half-a-dozen new tops...still untouched..
nail colors..didn't even bother to open the bottle once kept in fridge..
At least a dozen journals/diaries..all empty pages..waiting get written on..
Cutting from paper..not sorted yet...
Big, thick labels on branded outfits..preserved to make bookmarks..
every damn day I decide, I will read at least one verse from Bhagvadgeeta/Dnyaneshwari/Dasbodh..and at 12.30am..I say tomorrow..
I even forget to dab lipbalm and I find myself biting lips constantly...coz they are dry too oftenand it never occurs to me that I should put on some balm...even if its few inches away from me... How pathetic of me..!!!
Too lazy to make up but the excuse is that "ohh, it has harmful chemicals.."
(makeup and getting ready is another reason I avoid to attend parties... I find it boring...)

Good grief!!

Messed up life..
Messed up me..