So, I was diagnosed with depressive disorder. Something I knew for last 3 years but I called it depression. Later I realized that depression and depressive disorder are two different things. I told the doc that I don't feel like living anymore and about torture and low self-esteem. He prescribed me an anti-depressant and a folate. I started feeling better in the first dose itself.
On the third day, I felt like being normal. And trust me, I have never felt "normal" in last 8 years. I started to study enthusiastically and I found that I actually enjoyed and understood it. In fact, even there is some film being broadcast-ed on TV, still it failed to capture my attention. And I am Gemini..extremely unstable and unable to focus but I did. Even the kittens could not have my attention. I don't play with them.
Anyhow, later one thought popped up in my mind. What is the difference between suicide and self-harm? Suicide is crime against nature and I fear nature's laws more than anything. So I will not commit suicide under any circumstances. True!! But what about self-harm?? When the nature's laws were told, it did not include self-harm. Even Buddhism and Jainism follow principles of non-violence but I feel religions are artificial so it does not matter.
In self-harm, a person dies a little every day with every cut. And trust me, no one would self harm for fun. They think of it as punishment to themselves. (I have been there or I am still there..in thoughts and not in actions. There is big wall of small anti-depressants standing between me and that knife. The best part to cut would be thigh as I don't wear thigh-baring dresses or mini-skirts for that matter.)
They feel they are guilty of something or they lack something. So they feel they deserve nothing good but scars and wounds. Its difficult feeling to deal with.
And they see no tomorrow..no hopes..so they don't improve. The process of healing the cuts produces serotonin in brain. And that makes feel good. I have never cut myself physically but i have dreamed of cutting or mentally cut myself few times. It feels like getting rid of one sin in the past..one bad day is erased..one mistake is corrected...one lie is forgiven.. It feels like going closer to God and farther away from humans. It feels like taking complete responsibilities of your mistakes and sins..without blaming anyone..
This is game of mind... The mind is player, winner and loser..
On the third day, I felt like being normal. And trust me, I have never felt "normal" in last 8 years. I started to study enthusiastically and I found that I actually enjoyed and understood it. In fact, even there is some film being broadcast-ed on TV, still it failed to capture my attention. And I am Gemini..extremely unstable and unable to focus but I did. Even the kittens could not have my attention. I don't play with them.
Anyhow, later one thought popped up in my mind. What is the difference between suicide and self-harm? Suicide is crime against nature and I fear nature's laws more than anything. So I will not commit suicide under any circumstances. True!! But what about self-harm?? When the nature's laws were told, it did not include self-harm. Even Buddhism and Jainism follow principles of non-violence but I feel religions are artificial so it does not matter.
In self-harm, a person dies a little every day with every cut. And trust me, no one would self harm for fun. They think of it as punishment to themselves. (I have been there or I am still there..in thoughts and not in actions. There is big wall of small anti-depressants standing between me and that knife. The best part to cut would be thigh as I don't wear thigh-baring dresses or mini-skirts for that matter.)
They feel they are guilty of something or they lack something. So they feel they deserve nothing good but scars and wounds. Its difficult feeling to deal with.
And they see no tomorrow..no hopes..so they don't improve. The process of healing the cuts produces serotonin in brain. And that makes feel good. I have never cut myself physically but i have dreamed of cutting or mentally cut myself few times. It feels like getting rid of one sin in the past..one bad day is erased..one mistake is corrected...one lie is forgiven.. It feels like going closer to God and farther away from humans. It feels like taking complete responsibilities of your mistakes and sins..without blaming anyone..
This is game of mind... The mind is player, winner and loser..
