Little Notes on Girlhood {Links - 5}

N.B.: This post is only for girls/women. Guys may/should skip it.

Now that I have been living with girls of my age and older for last two months. So I felt like sharing something I have learnt in this period (and in last 9 years of having period :P). So here it goes..

• All of my room-mates past and present too(I changed the room a week ago) wear bra to bed. Some 6 months ago, while talking with a dear friend, she told me that she wears bra to bed.. And when I asked her why, she dint have any particular answer. I was shocked. And I am more shocked after coming here. It is torture to wear something tight around your chest  while sleeping. It makes breathing difficult but because that we have formed habit for years, we may not feel like that. In adolescence, we are told to wear bra..not to take it off while sleeping. So please do yourself and your lungs a favour and remove bra while sleeping. And no, your breasts won't sag if you skip it at night. (In fact, wearing bra has nothing to do with sagging of breasts. They are going to sag no matter what you do sooner or later because of gravity).
  
• Don't use baking soda for scrubbing your face and lemon rind for that bleaching effect(!!!!!). Here is why.
  http://www.reddit.com/r/SkincareAddiction/comments/195lue/psa_please_do_not_use_baking_soda_on_your_skin_it/
  
• Don't grow your toenails like your finger nails. Trust me it looks gross. And please do not color them with some trashy hues like shiny purple, black(unless you are as fair as Cinderella), fiery red. Peach, olive green, baby pink looks great. (Personally, I use transparent :P )
  
• You need to read this about vaginal discharge and do your own research about things related to this. You SHOULD know your body. Start from here and here.
  
• Seven tactics they use to make you buy you more makeup

Lessons from Therapist (Pages from Diary - 21)

So i had been to the Therapist for Psychotherapy and Counseling. It lasted for two hours. And probably one of the best two hours of my life. She told me that we are responsible for managing and handling our own emotions. It would be brief summary of session. But no, its not as simple as it sounds..

And viola, I could implement that too. As I said earlier, I like certain boy. And I used to text him when I miss him. Sometimes he replies and sometimes he does not. Once he did not and I kept thinking about it for entire day though I knew the reasons behind his quietness. Today, it did not happened. I mean, I texted him. He did not reply. But then I texted him saying that its okay if he dint feel like saying so. And I told myself that, I like him, I miss him and I should handle it. And it worked.

Second thing she told me that if certain person it behaving in certain way and this is how he/she is, then let him/her be. Don't waste your energy on trying to change that person.

I tried that too. With my cousin and Mom. I was feeling a bit down, physically and emotionally too, I told this to Mom. I was feeling feverish and was coughing. Its not that she dint bother but she was busy in her work. Had it been some other day, I would not have left any stone unturned to grab her attention. But I simply let her be. And let me myself be too. I was calm, told a dear friend how I was feeling and simply sat down on chair for lot of time. Then I had dinner and took medicines. I felt better..not because of medicines but because of myself.

That is all for today.

Adios.

Pages from Diary - 20

Okay. I want this to be last time I would write about this.. Do I need always reminder that my Mom doesn't love me? And that she thinks of me like her responsibility or duty than love or care??

There is this difference in treating your child with love and thinking that she is your responsibility. Responsibility is formal and usually unwanted obligation. My Mother treats me like later because she thinks that she needs to think just as much about that would be enough so that my in-laws won't curse her for my upbringing. Not a pinch more, not a pinch less.. So there is no love/care whatsover.. I have at least two incidents that would prove this..

(And I am being perfectly rational and unbiased here. I don't think of myself as victim. While thinking all this, I was considering myself as third person and I dint give myself any favours which might have ended up into false conclusions.)

*****

Incident 1:

This happened two years back in July. I was in my sophomore year of degree. It was a rainy day and all roads were muddy and slippery.  On that day, I was coming from college and a buffalo came across my Scooty, her horn hit the handle and I fell down. Few people came to help me (May God give bless them with long life). My right knee was badly injured. My white legging was filled with blood from the wound. Despite of that, I drove to home for almost 15 minutes. When I came home, Mom saw the wound. She saw that the leg was not broken. And then said, "I don't think you need to go to doctor right now. No hurry." Dad scolded her and took me to the GP. My wound was so deep that the bone was visible from it. That doc took half an hour for dressing the wound and prescribed me 6 tablets a day and protein shake.

Later one day, she said, "If you had your knee broken and had you been disabled, then how could we have managed to get married !!!!".

I was speechless.

Incident 2:

This happened a couple of days back. I fell on my head and got my waist bone hurt.She asked me once after long time I was hurt that if I was okay. Then in the evening, she asked once again to confirm that my brain is not injured.

How can they get me married if my brain is hurt??

So she had point once again..

*****

Enough said..

Men, Sheer Clothing and Shri Devi {Thinking Aloud - 3}

Warning: Don't open hyperlinks in this post if you are reading this in office internet..

I am feeling a bit awkward to write this..but I felt there should be an extension to Thinking aloud -1. So here it is. This is toooo damn awkward.. :-| Okay.. Here it goes..

Few weeks back, when I was in college, once I was talking to a guy friend in corridor and we were standing beside the wall facing each other.. It was break time so people were going to or coming from the class-rooms. While talking to him, I was (obviously) looking at him..but he was not looking at me.. That was a bit different from how he used to be. We hardly chatted in corridor and usually we sit in class-room or canteen or at Chaiwala. We used to sit and talk.

So I was looking at him..then I was paying attention to him.. Then I realized that he was looking at pretty or not-so-pretty girls. Then I looked more carefully and he was not really at their faces but..umm..well at breasts.

(Actually this is no-brainer but this was first time I saw some guy actually staring at boobs... No..no..2nd time.. First time it was a very good (another) friend but that is even more awkward than this..)

Okay.. Guys watch porn...and it is available like never before(Courtesy of internet).. They have girlfriend/s whom they probably sleep with. (Not all but some).. Now they have access to such enormous variety(!!!!) why would still they stare at breasts of girl passing by..even if she is not wearing plunging neckline or V-neck dress..

(Some boys have head-to-toe look but some other day on that)

Somewhere I read that guys are curious about it so they stare..but can their eyes scan via the dress and see it?? And FCS, boobs are boobs.. I mean what would be different?? (Please not that I am not against guys staring at boobs.. I know its natural but its a bit hard to digest)

Somewhere else I got to read that boys are attached to breasts right since breast-feeding.. Come on...what about guys who don't get breast-fed?? 

Also I have noticed one thing. Girls do wear clothes that would highlight their "assets" but that doesn't include nipples.. They just show some part of it to make others(read guys/men) curious about it.. What the hell is point of this??

And media makes havoc when some celebrity wears see-through clothing causing nipslip and side-boobs..?? So breasts are okay and nipples are not.. Huh!!! Or is it like now it has became okay to show off a part of breast but nipples are NO-NO??

The other day, I watched a movie Lamhe on DD National..starring Shri Devi and Anil Kapoor as leads.. The songs pictured on Shri Devi, she danced so well.. And in one of the songs, she was wearing traditional Rajsthani Ghagra-Choli. Why about some old flick in this post? Because in that attire, there were no plunging neckline..no bare midriff..just as much as some orthodox Rajsthani married woman do while wearing Saree or Ghagra-choli?? Further as the film proceeds, they go to London..there again.. She was wearing simple and vibrant skirt-midis.. T-shirts and pants..all of them colorful and chic but not showing off her breasts or midriff.. And she delivered stunning performance. Show off had nothing to do with her acting.. She was not trying to look sexy. Her dances were suave.. She dint have to show bare,toned back to dance well. She was immersed completely into character. And her character had shades of an adult girl to teen girl of sixteen..(I said in reverse order because the adult one gives birth to a daughter and dies. And then Shri Devi herself plays the role of her adolescent daughter.)

She was so graceful in her own skin..so natural and yet soo much the character itself.. How many actress can today do this without looking sexy, wearing bikini

and smooching on-screen? I am not against kisses, bikinis or bare midriffs/backs.. Just that it is not part of acting..or so do I think..

Enough of rambling now and going back to the original question..

I found this research on men's staring at breasts by Larry Young(iske toh naam mein hi jawani hain :P ;))..

And here an article that kinda praises celebrities who can rock see-thru clothes.. Most other are like.."OMG..she is wearing transparent dress and her nipples are visible..click..click..."

Guys and Porn and blah... {Thinking Aloud -1}

The other day, my Aunt was telling me about one of her acquaintances. The married couple she lived few days with. I don't know whether I should write about it or not still..

Okay, so about that couple..they don't have child, the wife is somewhat fierce and tomboyish..not in attire but in attitude and talking..

My Aunt was telling me that the husband watches Yoga shows on TV all the day. I was like so what's wrong with that..(referring to my own Yoga practice everyday.. Yoga is cool and necessary..) She said "No.. Is it polite to watch half-naked women in home on TV...??". Now I got it..

I can not obviously say that it is wrong or right..because I am not a man or even a guy for that matter.. I am 20-something girl..and I think though it is impolite, it is natural.. Come on, all men are like this..

Now about some of my guy friends..in 1 of the friends had photos of complete nude women on his phone and I accidently went to that folder while seeing the photos of trips. I was shocked at that time. Later, my project partner..he had entire project we were doing on his laptop..and he was going out of station just a couple of days before the deadline.. So I asked whether I could keep his laptop with me so that I would be able to do some last minute finishing.. He hesitated first but then said, "Okay.. Keep this with you..but if you happen to see something that you are not supposed to, then don't blame me for that.." Hmmmmmmmmm...!! That was tough question indeed..

Even later, I was peeking when another friend was doing some work on his laptop. I asked whether he had iso image of a certain Linux distro.. He said, "let me search..". He took the cursor to the searchbox and started typing the name. Before doing that, a list appeared about previous searches he did in it as it was Windows 7. And viola, I saw "Bras, Pussies.." in that list.. I had became kinda wise after previous two experiences..but this was really WTF!! For many days after this, I could not talk properly with this guy!! Any time, his phone or text would remind of this incident..

I was feeling uneasy even when his name was mentioned.. It was weird.. I knew that boys watch porn..they download it..and blah.. But I didn't know that this would be case with 3 of my close friends.. Nevertheless..

Then I came across this. Though I don't have boyfriend, who watches porn, this is a good read for a girl's perspective. I don't really agree with the article still she has some good points. And here is guy's perspective on watching porn.

P. S.: I am not pro-porn..neither I watch porn myself. I have seen some blogs on porn and read some stories out of curiosity but that doesn't interest me. I am not against boys' watching porn but neither I am on the same page with them. I think of this as matter of personal choice and individuality. I don't want to link this to morality and ethics or even religion.

P. P. S. : I thought I need to say this. I am highly against boys who rape a girl because they watched/read some rape-fantasy and pedophiles too.

P. P. P. S.: What I mentioned in post-post-scrip, was related to some statistics I read in a book(forgot the name), a while back. It says that 84% rapists told to police that they raped the girl because they wanted to mimic what they read/saw in porn. The statistics is from USA so might not be applicable everywhere still it is dangerous..

Things I want my kid/s to learn..

Disclaimer: I am neither a Mom nor i am pregnant nor married. But still I feel there are few things my to be kid/s should learn by heart..lessons to be learned which can not be taught..

Things I want my kid/s to learn:

• Success and failure both are temporary. Neither lasts forever. The important thing is what you learnt through the process..the way it changed you.. Your success and/or failure are not you. They are just one of the things happening to you. So they don't necessarily define you.
• Bragging seldom leads you to the place you want. First do, then speak.
• Pay attention to breathing. Breathing is life. If you breath in and can not breath out, you are dead. So breathe.
• Money is important but it is not the most important things. Money is medium not the aim..neither it should be. Think of telephone. We need phone. It is just a medium. Because it lets us connect with the person we want to talk to. But a phone is useless if there is no person on the other side. Precisely, money is medium to buy luxurious things and amenities. But health, people, sleep and love are things that can not be bought.
• Do your own mistakes and learn from them. Don't repeat them though.
• Life is a school. Be a good student and learn as much as you can.
• Facts are important but details are more important.

Pages from Diary - 13

So, I was diagnosed with depressive disorder. Something I knew for last 3 years but I called it depression. Later I realized that depression and depressive disorder are two different things. I told the doc that I don't feel like living anymore and about torture and low self-esteem. He prescribed me an anti-depressant and a folate. I started feeling better in the first dose itself.

On the third day, I felt like being normal. And trust me, I have never felt "normal" in last 8 years. I started to study enthusiastically and I found that I actually enjoyed and understood it. In fact, even there is some film being broadcast-ed on TV, still it failed to capture my attention. And I am Gemini..extremely unstable and unable to focus but I did. Even the kittens could not have my attention. I don't play with them.

Anyhow, later one thought popped up in my mind. What is the difference between suicide and self-harm? Suicide is crime against nature and I fear nature's laws more than anything. So I will not commit suicide under any circumstances. True!! But what about self-harm?? When the nature's laws were told, it did not include self-harm. Even Buddhism and Jainism follow principles of non-violence but I feel religions are artificial so it does not matter.

In self-harm, a person dies a little every day with every cut. And trust me, no one would self harm for fun. They think of it as punishment to themselves. (I have been there or I am still there..in thoughts and not in actions. There is big wall of small anti-depressants standing between me and that knife. The best part to cut would be thigh as I don't wear thigh-baring dresses or mini-skirts for that matter.)

They feel they are guilty of something or they lack something. So they feel they deserve nothing good but scars and wounds. Its difficult feeling to deal with. 
And they see no tomorrow..no hopes..so they don't improve. The process of healing the cuts produces serotonin in brain. And that makes feel good. I have never cut myself physically but i have dreamed of cutting or mentally cut myself few times. It feels like getting rid of one sin in the past..one bad day is erased..one mistake is corrected...one lie is forgiven.. It feels like going closer to God and farther away from humans. It feels like taking complete responsibilities of your mistakes and sins..without blaming anyone..

This is game of mind... The mind is player, winner and loser..

Pages from Diary - 12

So finally I went to take Psychiatrist's appointment. The receptionist was puzzled to see an outwardly cheerful girl, so she asked me what was my problem. I calmly said, Insomnia.. She smiled and said okay. And she gave me tomorrow's appointment. insomnia is just the consequence. My dark circles say a lot about torture from Mom, fear of failure and crying for my best friend.

But not everyone can read it.. Right?

And those who can read it, are away from my sight!!

 

How to install Chrome in OpenSUSE 11.4

Now this is something I think of achievement in itself..
Installing Google Chrome on OpenSuSe..
Here is how it goes..
Before downloading, see whether your processor is 32-bit or 64-bit..
Open terminal and enter

linux-3y8t:~ # uname -i

If you get output as i386, download the 32-bit version, otherwise 64-bit version.

After completing the download, in the terminal, go to the directory where the repo is downloaded and enter

linux-3y8t:~/Downloads # rpm -ivh google-chrome-stable_current_i386.rpm

If after entering this command, you come across error message like this,


warning: google-chrome-stable_current_i386.rpm: Header V4 DSA/SHA1 Signature, key ID 7fac5991: NOKEY
error: Failed dependencies:
        lsb >= 4.0 is needed by google-chrome-stable-25.0.1364.172-187217.i386

Enter

linux-3y8t:~/Downloads # zypper install lsb

This command will install the lsb package required.
Having done that, enter this command again


linux-3y8t:~/Downloads # rpm -ivh google-chrome-stable_current_i386.rpm 

It'll show you output like this:

warning: google-chrome-stable_current_i386.rpm: Header V4 DSA/SHA1 Signature, key ID 7fac5991: NOKEY

Preparing...                ########################################### [100%]

   1:google-chrome-stable   ########################################### [100%]

Starting service at daemon                                            done

Now enter the following commands one by one if you want to be able to watch Youtube videos in Chrome

linux-3y8t:~/Downloads # mkdir /opt/google/chrome/plugins

linux-3y8t:~ # ln -s /usr/lib6/browser-plugins/* /opt/google/chrome/plugins/

To run Google Chrome, enter:

linux-3y8t:~ # google-chrome &

If you are logged in as root, then you'll get error message:

linux-3y8t:~ # [5993:5993:0317/223156:ERROR:chrome_browser_main_extra_parts_gtk.cc(51)] Startup refusing to run as root.

google-chrome &

[2] 6030

[1]   Exit 1                  google-chrome

For that, do the following:

linux-3y8t:~ # vim /usr/bin/google-chrome

Enter --user-data-dir in the last line like shown in the image below.

Now go to Application Launcher>>Internet>>Web Browser and you'll see short-cut for Google Chrome there. If you want to run using terminal command, enter aforementioned

linux-3y8t:~ # google-chrome &

and you are done!! :D

After installing Google Chrome, i added my favourite Web Apps from Chrome Web Store..and now i feel at home on Linux. :P

:D
Adios!!

Pages from Diary - 6

I miss my childhood buddies..
One of them was Priyanka..
We were together in 3rd and 4th std. We used to eat tiffin together..do our homework and used to go to each other's places for chitchat and playing..
One strange thing connected us though..
We both were thinking that our Moms don't love us enough and that we were unwanted kids..
She has 2 siblings and I have none..still!!!
We used to complain to each other about Moms and thinking that nobody is gonna love us in our life..
We parted ways after 4th std when her Mom put her in different school than mine..
And haven't met each other in few years..though used to live in same city..
She completed her BCS, got selected at Infosys and now lives in Mysore..
I miss her..
I miss her badly...

Just today Mom met her brother who is a doctor..
She was telling me about him and her..
Dunno why despite me missing her I did not feel like contacting her again...

This is what I hate about myself..
I was damn innocent back then and now I feel as if I lost all of my innocence..
Dunno why do I feel like that...
I feel like I have become selfish and arrogant..

Huh...
Now about losing my innocence..
Well, to cut the long story short...
It was first time in my life that I had huge(really huge) crush on some guy and yeah, we were friends..I mean we used to talk...
The moment I realized that I like certain guy and blah..I suddenly felt like grown up..
Felt like lost my innocence and childishness...
This may not have any co-relation..but..but still this is it..
God knows how many storms passed through my tiny head and kiddo mind...

Pages from Diary - 4

I really don't know what I want in my life. I don't have even the slightest idea where I'm going to. 

I don't know how its gonna end. Though there are few things I'm sure about..

I want to get a job. I want to be really good at English. I wanna learn Japanese. Phew..

Over...

I don't have friends and I really mean it today. I seriously don't have friends.

Recently I broke my friendship with 2 best friends. 

I destroyed my SIM card and got the oldest one.

My inbox is empty these days.. It used to be flooding with with thousands of chat messages and forwards...

My g-Talk chat list is tiny now and nobody is on-line. I don't chat with anyone anymore.

I call Aish once or twice a day but she seemed irritated today so I won't call her for 2-3 days.

She is the only friend in contact with me. Life has taken a 360 degree turn within this fortnight. 

I lost 2 kgs. So many things...

But this was bound to happen....

I end up in a misery. Its alright. Life is a cycle so happiness is followed by sorrows, smile is followed by tears, joy is followed by disappointment.

Few days ago, I was high on my social life..lots of friends, thousands of forwards and text chats, talking hours a day on phone and what not...

But now, it all disappeared like a dream....

I'm starting with a blank slate again....

I was in this condition one and half year ago but that was different...

This period came with lot of new experiences and mind-shifts..

I really feel bad sometimes....

I don't have anyone to talk to...

And I can't let it go with my usual IDM (It doesn't matter)...

Life is filled with emptiness...

P.S. This entry in my diary is an year ago.. And I wonder why i find myself in the same place again, say every 6 months or a year..

Pages from Diary - 3

I wish I could be buried in so much work/study/projects that i would get little or no time to think about
life, happiness, love, friendship, relationships, hurt, care, loneliness..
I'd like to trouble my brain rather than my heart...
Heart breaks,brain does not....
(As long as I'm not glucose-deprived, my brain will work fine..)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this difference always..

What you know VS what you understand..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will never belong to anywhere..
I am a nomad...

Nobody's heart belong to me..
and my heart..well I don't know where did i lost it..

Pages from Diary- 1

I am a kid. I read all kinds of books, have a good taste in arts too..fairly good in academics..
But I have failed in living my life properly..in orderly, structural way.. I am a pseudo-mature, pseudo-realistic.. I live in some Utopia where things automatically fall into place.. I secretly deny to work for what I want..  I was much better, saner when I was 10.. Leave friends, I can not manage myself well.. Terribly impulsive and lazy.. I lie to myself everytime I hit the sheets that everything will be alright tomorrow.. But I treat life as a big holiday..and spend it in laidback way..
Haven't yet figured out what I want..but there is unending list of things I don't want...
Inconsistent even at taking tablets.. Parents thank God that I at least get ready in the morning and eat my own food..
Bought books costing thousands of bucks..haven't turned a single page..in months...
Half-a-dozen new tops...still untouched..
nail colors..didn't even bother to open the bottle once kept in fridge..
At least a dozen journals/diaries..all empty pages..waiting get written on..
Cutting from paper..not sorted yet...
Big, thick labels on branded outfits..preserved to make bookmarks..
every damn day I decide, I will read at least one verse from Bhagvadgeeta/Dnyaneshwari/Dasbodh..and at 12.30am..I say tomorrow..
I even forget to dab lipbalm and I find myself biting lips constantly...coz they are dry too oftenand it never occurs to me that I should put on some balm...even if its few inches away from me... How pathetic of me..!!!
Too lazy to make up but the excuse is that "ohh, it has harmful chemicals.."
(makeup and getting ready is another reason I avoid to attend parties... I find it boring...)

Good grief!!

Messed up life..
Messed up me..