Pages from Diary - 13

So, I was diagnosed with depressive disorder. Something I knew for last 3 years but I called it depression. Later I realized that depression and depressive disorder are two different things. I told the doc that I don't feel like living anymore and about torture and low self-esteem. He prescribed me an anti-depressant and a folate. I started feeling better in the first dose itself.

On the third day, I felt like being normal. And trust me, I have never felt "normal" in last 8 years. I started to study enthusiastically and I found that I actually enjoyed and understood it. In fact, even there is some film being broadcast-ed on TV, still it failed to capture my attention. And I am Gemini..extremely unstable and unable to focus but I did. Even the kittens could not have my attention. I don't play with them.

Anyhow, later one thought popped up in my mind. What is the difference between suicide and self-harm? Suicide is crime against nature and I fear nature's laws more than anything. So I will not commit suicide under any circumstances. True!! But what about self-harm?? When the nature's laws were told, it did not include self-harm. Even Buddhism and Jainism follow principles of non-violence but I feel religions are artificial so it does not matter.

In self-harm, a person dies a little every day with every cut. And trust me, no one would self harm for fun. They think of it as punishment to themselves. (I have been there or I am still there..in thoughts and not in actions. There is big wall of small anti-depressants standing between me and that knife. The best part to cut would be thigh as I don't wear thigh-baring dresses or mini-skirts for that matter.)

They feel they are guilty of something or they lack something. So they feel they deserve nothing good but scars and wounds. Its difficult feeling to deal with. 
And they see no tomorrow..no hopes..so they don't improve. The process of healing the cuts produces serotonin in brain. And that makes feel good. I have never cut myself physically but i have dreamed of cutting or mentally cut myself few times. It feels like getting rid of one sin in the past..one bad day is erased..one mistake is corrected...one lie is forgiven.. It feels like going closer to God and farther away from humans. It feels like taking complete responsibilities of your mistakes and sins..without blaming anyone..

This is game of mind... The mind is player, winner and loser..

Pages from Diary - 12

So finally I went to take Psychiatrist's appointment. The receptionist was puzzled to see an outwardly cheerful girl, so she asked me what was my problem. I calmly said, Insomnia.. She smiled and said okay. And she gave me tomorrow's appointment. insomnia is just the consequence. My dark circles say a lot about torture from Mom, fear of failure and crying for my best friend.

But not everyone can read it.. Right?

And those who can read it, are away from my sight!!

 

Sakura - IV

Her screaming woke him up. He went in the room and saw her shivering in fear and crying...with her face hiding behind her hands. He was puzzled..he removed her hands from her face and she was in great shock..

She had seen a nightmare the night before..

She told him everything and cried, cried and cried..finally fell into his arms..

He held her tight but said nothing.. He was speechless.

After sometime, when she was feeling slightly better, he went in and made breakfast for her.

Egg tamagoyaki, fresh miso soup and boiled rice!!

As she was eating it, he kept staring at her.. When she asked about his breakfast, he said that he was not feeling hungry..

She was feeling at home..after a long.. The hearty breakfast reminded her of bentos he used to bring office..the colorful and flavourful ones. And she used to finish most of it, everyday..and he kept staring at her..just like he was doing now!! (Later he started bringing two bento boxes, one for her and one for he, himself!!)

Here, he was gathering his words..or crafting his words carefully.. Today was not Valentine's day neither Rose day. But he said to himself, love and friendship don't need a special day!!

She got ready. It was Sunday. She came into the living room and saw him there, sitting, waiting for her. There was this awkward moment..nobody was talking still both were listening.

He stood up, went to her and said,

"I am so sorry. I never expressed myself to you clearly. I never said 'I love you'. Did not proposed to you.. All I did was just staring at you, while you talking cheerfully about something and be amazed. I was shy and did not talk much but you always made me feel relaxing and comfortable. And this is not just about what I said. It lies a lot in what I couldn't put in words..but I know you would read my eyes and understand everything.. You are everything I could possibly ask for and much more.. You are the ivory crescent in dark sky and first ray of Sun in the foggy morning. I love you a lottt.. Will you marry me?"

This was all unexpected for her. She did not say anything for few moments..

Later she chuckled and said

"Yes but only if you will make me bento box every day."

He laughed loudly and said, "Oui ma chère!!"