Sakura - IV

Her screaming woke him up. He went in the room and saw her shivering in fear and crying...with her face hiding behind her hands. He was puzzled..he removed her hands from her face and she was in great shock..

She had seen a nightmare the night before..

She told him everything and cried, cried and cried..finally fell into his arms..

He held her tight but said nothing.. He was speechless.

After sometime, when she was feeling slightly better, he went in and made breakfast for her.

Egg tamagoyaki, fresh miso soup and boiled rice!!

As she was eating it, he kept staring at her.. When she asked about his breakfast, he said that he was not feeling hungry..

She was feeling at home..after a long.. The hearty breakfast reminded her of bentos he used to bring office..the colorful and flavourful ones. And she used to finish most of it, everyday..and he kept staring at her..just like he was doing now!! (Later he started bringing two bento boxes, one for her and one for he, himself!!)

Here, he was gathering his words..or crafting his words carefully.. Today was not Valentine's day neither Rose day. But he said to himself, love and friendship don't need a special day!!

She got ready. It was Sunday. She came into the living room and saw him there, sitting, waiting for her. There was this awkward moment..nobody was talking still both were listening.

He stood up, went to her and said,

"I am so sorry. I never expressed myself to you clearly. I never said 'I love you'. Did not proposed to you.. All I did was just staring at you, while you talking cheerfully about something and be amazed. I was shy and did not talk much but you always made me feel relaxing and comfortable. And this is not just about what I said. It lies a lot in what I couldn't put in words..but I know you would read my eyes and understand everything.. You are everything I could possibly ask for and much more.. You are the ivory crescent in dark sky and first ray of Sun in the foggy morning. I love you a lottt.. Will you marry me?"

This was all unexpected for her. She did not say anything for few moments..

Later she chuckled and said

"Yes but only if you will make me bento box every day."

He laughed loudly and said, "Oui ma chère!!"

Sakura - III

It was a dark, starry night...and he stood speechless there..in front of her.

"Okay" He said softly. And continued..

"Long ago I realised that i can not live without you.. No.. It was not as literal and obvious as it sounds. Its different. I fell for you but with eyes wide open and senses wide awake. At first, it was passionate and intense..like a fire in my heart and it burnt me all along. But as time passed, I became calmer and softer.. Then one day, you were gone.. Technically, we were living in adjacent apartments but still you were far away. And the long, yellow flames of the fire, suddenly became quiet lights in the path. Then i left Tokyo and came here. I knew I want to live with you so I was quiet aloof still nice to people around me but as always I did not allow anyone to peek into my heart. Then I started writing poems. My every tear became a word. Every day, I spent without became a poem. And every memory became a story. And no, it was not sad always. Rather I was sometimes happy too. I had fortune to meet my soulmate. So what if we did not end up together!! I started meditating and that calmed my mind. Earlier your memories used to come like thunderstorms. Now they became cool breezes. "

She stood there itself thinking how much he has changed still he is same all along.

After having dinner, she said that she is going to stay there itself. He showed her the guest bedroom. She went in and wept silently. And in all those tears, went to sleep.

In the morning, she woke up and went to bathroom. She saw there him. He was wearing bathrobe, lying in the bathtub filled with warm water. And the water had turned magenta red. Shiny silver knife was lying there on the floor. She screamed intensely.

To be continued...

Sakura-II

"I know you don't feel anything for me anymore.. 
But that does not change what I feel or think about you."

"You are doing wrong with yourself.."

"Naah.. You know, I hate to lie.. We all do. And I don't want to lie with myself that you don't feel anything  for me so I have nothing to do with you anymore.."

".........................................................."

"I have learnt to be okay with your dislike for me, Long back I accepted the fact that you have changed for whatsover may be the reason.. Did I trouble you? Asked you to love me? Be with me? Nope.. I am living my own life.."

"But it kills me to see you like this.. You are so lonely.."

"Who are you to decide this? I can take care of myself. And no, I am not alone..
As I said, the person who loves me is always with me even if in reminiscences."

"You want me to feel guilty for you. Do you?"

"Hell no! Why would I? You came to meet me all by yourself.. 
I didn't phone you and said I am sad, lonely and missing you.. Did I?"

"Liar.. You did not phone me.. True!! But you did want me to come to see you here in Kawagoe, when I told you that I'll be here in Tokyo. Don't pretend to be strongest person on the earth.. You do feel lonely and you miss me terribly. You want me to be here with you.. And you want me to care for you."

"............................................"

"Eyes can not lie.. Especially yours.. Otherwise you would you stare at the wall and say all this? Look into my eyes and say all that again.. If you can do this, I would go and will not come back.."

He was now staring at her feet. He didn't know what to say. She was so soft spoken.. But today was different.


to be continued..

Sakura-I

She knocked the door.
"Yes. Come in.." He replied.
She slid the fusuma and went in.
There were a couple of laptops, pile of books, papers, moleskines scattered all around the ima.
He was sitting on the futon couch..
She nervously looked at him. His warm and wide toothy smile made her feel comfy.
"Saké?" He asked.
"No. Thanks." She said.
"Ok then coffee at least?"
"Alright."
As he went to make coffee, she took a close look to the room.
It was well organized and messed up at the same time.
The laptops did not have a single icon on desktop. Journals looked new and the ikebana in the corner was looking pleasent.
He came back with 2 mugs of steaming coffee. 
As they were sipping coffee, " What are you doing these days?" she asked, breaking the silence.
"Nothing special.." He said smilingly.. "I code in the day and write in the night.."
"I am sorry" she said.
"For what?"
"................"
"See, I still like you..and I still love you.."
"................"
"What???"
"Oh. nothing..."
"Don't you feel that you have lost me?? Don't you miss me?"
"................."
"Tell na.."
"Frankly speaking.. No. I don't miss you.."
"................."
"Well, look like this.. We are no longer together.. True.. But that is your perspective.. I personally don't think so.. You are with me always.. You are here in my present moment..when I am awake..and when I am asleep too.. You are in my dreams and you are in my poems.. You are in my coffee and you are in my sushi.. You are in my code too..."
"................."
"I used to miss you.. But not any more.."
"................."
"Din't you like anyone else after me??"
"What after you?? It is not over. At least for me..'"
"But why?? Why this?? Why are you hurting yourself??? Get over me.. I don't deserve you..."
"I know my hurt and pains. And you don't have to tell me what to do."



to be continued....

I used to laugh at the poems like my heart beats for you and blah..
But later I saw something queer in my own life...
Whenever you don't talk to me, my heart misses a beat..
And these days, my heart misses beats very often..
God knows whatz wrong with me..

(Oh my dear God, you love me right? You have the biggest heart.. And I'm your pampered kid.. If you are reading this, you should miss a beat. Did you? )

"Hey.."
"Hie.."
"How are you?"
"Fantastic.. You?"
"Good"
"Anything special... ?"
"Ohh..nothing..just this ruckus of life..."
"You still miss me??" He asked in flirtatious tone.
"Yeah..everytime I read your column in Mumbai Beat." She said with a smug grin
He burst into laughter..
After a brief chitchat, he left..
She kept staring at him as he bid her adieu and turned his back.
His question was lingering in her mind... You still miss me?
Her face was shining in the bright light of yellow street lamp.. A hawker was making Pavbhaji on a roadside stall..and the air was filled with spicy aroma of veggies..

Slowly she put her hand in her tote and opened an old diary from it... its pages all turned yellowish..
She removed a brown, shiny wrapper from it..
The first Bournville they ate together...
Her eyes dewy and lips dry..

And that question of him...you still miss me...?

Each of us has our own version of love..
And every version is virtual..might be a shadow..
Perhaps what God loves us is true love..
And all other are its virtual copies..
Like the distributed shared memory..where no data actually exists on machines...
Whatever we see, feel, know is virtual..but very true at that moment...

Who knows!!!

Sitting in lecture and getting bored..
And suddenly a cool breeze touches my cheeks and I feel refreshed...
I see through the glass window beside me...
Its not too hot or too cold..
Birds are chirping on the banyan tree
Purple mountains are shining with golden sun rays..
A bunch of small, white houses with brick-red roofs..surrounded by lush green trees..
Roads are quiet and the weather is lovely..

Such a scenic and pleasant view..
I wish I could be a painter who would create the same magic with strokes of brush..for a picture is worth a thousand words..
But I am not..so I tried to capture that serenity in words... :)

I want to cut myself one day..
No..not suicide..
I wanna see what flows through my veins..
And what happens  to ME (not my body but ME) if I cut a couple of them..
I might see my pains outside of me..or I might feel them till the depth if my heart..
I want to see whether I scream out loud or I sit quietly staring at the bloody knife..

And last but not the least, I want to see if someone understands that I am a human with heart and blood and not an obedient robot..

I was sad..
Then too and now too..
Sometimes it happens that we don't feel pain..
Doesn't mean its not there..
Its there itself but hasn't yet come on the surface..
Days pass..sun rises and dusk falls..
I don't feel anything..
I am a robot..
The cycle of dawn and dusk continues..
And one day, I see the sunset form the balcony of my study..
I keep looking at it wondering what I was doing for so many days..
The coffee in the mug turns cold and tasteless..
Slowly and steadily the sorrows come on the surface..
My lips are dry and rough for I haven't drunk water in hours..
I am seeing a tiny ivory crescent in greyish blue sky..
And suddenly I feel tears falling on my cheeks and their salty taste as they tough my lips..
I drink them up as if I am burring the sorrow in my belly..
My eyes are heavy and eyelids swollen..
Hunger pangs..and I walk downstairs for dinner..

I wish you were here to wipe away my tears..like you always did.... 

You know what I think about love..
Its like that bright, twinkling star in the dark sky..right above my head..
Thousands of light years away from me..
So close yet so far..
I spend nights gazing at it..shivering in cold..wondering about its light..dreaming about its warmth..
But..but..it would take me ages to get there..centuries to feel its light..
And I spend nights staring at the star..
I wish I could know what it takes to reach the star..

Writing here and praying for a shooting star...so that I could make a wish...
And I would get you... :)