Once again...

1. Why not me?
 Ummmm.....

2. Am I nice?
 I guess..yeah...

3. Am I doing what I really want to do?
  Yes!!

4. What am I grateful for?
for literally everything...

5. What’s missing in my life?
actually nothing...a bit discipline and determination I would say...

6. Am I honest?
yes..most of the times..sometimes white lies..

7. Do I listen to others?
Yeah..

8. Do I work hard?
Nope..i should..and I will..

9. Do I help others?
yeah...whenever I can...

10. What do I need to change about myself?
i need to be more polite, less rash and a lot disciplined and serious about my life..

11. Have I hurt others?
yes..a lot

12. Do I complain?
yeah..i want to change that..i want to reduce my complaining..

13. What’s next for me?
PG diploma and a job

14. Do I have fun?
yeah..may not be like other people..like partying, hanging out etc..but i do have my ideas of fun and chillin out...

15. Have I seized opportunities?
Nope...that is a regret i would say

16. Do I care about others?
Not really..whenever i do, that creates a misunderstanding..so i kinda stopped doing that..

17. Do I spend enough time with my family?
yeah...

18. Am I open-minded?
a lott...

19. Have I seen enough of the world?
nope..i am just 20 and there's a lot to explore..so many people to meet and so many places to see...

20. Do I judge others?
i used to..but not anymore..i let people be themselves...

21. Do I take risks?
Ummm...yeah..sometimes..

22. What is my purpose?
honestly no idea..but right now i aim to be a good programmer and a good girl...

23. What is my biggest fear?
so many....biggest one is if someone judged me based on the way i look(being a not-so-good-looking is kinda sin when you are a girl)...that has happened a lot in the past...but i still fear that...

24. How can I conquer that fear?
no idea..i can put on layers of makeup but that is really not my thing....

25. Do I thank people enough?
yes..

26. Am I successful?
yes and no..

27. What am I ashamed of?
my behavior and failure in past 3 years...

28. Do I annoy others?
i used to..but not anymore...

29. What are my dreams?
 ---------------------------------

30. Am I positive?
no..

31. Am I negative?
sometimes..

32. Is there an afterlife?
yes...

33. Does everything happen for a reason?
yes!!!

34. What can I do to change the world?
no idea..

35. What is the most foolish thing I’ve ever done?

many to mention..

36. Am I cheap?
nope..

37. Am I greedy?
nope..but yeah when it comes to books..

38. Who do I love?
nobody..

39. Who do I want to meet?
Pitookaka and Pauol Coelho

40. Where do I want to go?
Italy and Spain

41. What am I most proud of?
nothing really..

42. Do I care what others think about me?
sometimes..

43. What are my talents?
ummm...i don't remember any..

44. Do I utilize those talents?
out of question..

45. What makes me happy?
books, flowers, nice smells, good food, good design..

46. What makes me sad?
bad marks

47. What makes me angry?
when someone doesnt reply me..

48. Am I satisfied with my appearance?
hell no...

49. Am I healthy?
on the way.. :P

50. What was the toughest time in my life?
last 3 years..

51. What was the easiest time in my life?
when i was in school..

52. Am I selfish?
no..

53. What was the craziest thing I did?
not studying when i have to..

54. What is the craziest thing I want to do?
go for a retreat for some 30 days w/o phone/laptop/digital device..

55. Do I procrastinate?
a lot..

56. What is my greatest regret?
thinking too much by brain and thinking too much by heart..

57. What has had the greatest impact on my life?
my troubles...

58. Who has had the greatest impact on my life?

mom-dad

59. Do I stand up for myself?
rarely..i have very poor self-esteem..

60. Have I settled for mediocrity?
yeah..

61. Do I hold grudges?
nope..not anymore..

62. Do I read enough?
a lot more than enough.. :P but still i think i don't read enough.. :D

63. Do I listen to my heart?
sometimes..

64. Do I donate enough to the less fortunate?
i don't earn yet...so..but when i'll, i'll give 6.25% of my income to this..

65. Do I pray only when I want something?
yes n no..it is never the case that i don't want anything..i always pray and i always want something..
:P

66. Do I constantly dwell on the past?
yes...a lottt...

67. Do I let other people’s negativity affect me?
yes..a lott...

68. Do I forgive myself?
not really..

69. When I help someone do I think “What’s in it for me”?
never..

70. Am I aware that someone always has it worse than me?
hell yeah!! i am always aware of that...

71. Do I smile more than I frown?
yup..

72. Do I surround myself with good people?
ummm..not yet...

73. Do I take time out for myself?
yes!!

74. Do I ask enough questions?
yes...

It's Valentine's Day so ask me awkward questions?

•  1. Who was your first kiss and what was it like?
    Not yet
•  2. Are you in a relationship? If so, are you happy?
   No
•  3. Do you have a crush?
    Yes
•  4. Who is your crush?
    a guy i know very well
•  5. Are you a virgin?
    Yes!
•  6. What do you think of Valentine's Day?
  Nothing special as of yet..will think about something when I'll get that someone special.. :P
•  7. Who is your Valentine?
    Ummmm......
•  8. Have you ever asked anyone out?
    No. Not really
•  9. Who is your celebrity crush?
   Johnny Depp
•  10. Has anyone ever asked you out and you turned them down?
  Nope..nobody asked me out so no qs of turning down(i am too boring..)
•  11. Do you think anyone has a crush on you right now?
    I guess
•  12. What is your favorite thing to do on Valentine's Day?
   Stare at the starry, dark sky and think if someone is missing me..
•  13. What's the best Valentine's Day that you've had so far?
    a year ago when a best-girl-friend gave me a Valentine greeting card
•  14. What's your idea of a perfect date?
    golden sea-shore, enchanting smell of jasmine, oven-fresh napolitana pizza, me and him...
•  15. How do you know when you're in love?
   I have no idea..honestly
•  16. Have you ever loved someone on a romantic level?
   Dunno
•  17. Do you prefer more or less clingy relationships?
•  18. Do you feel like you're loved on an everyday basis?
  Yes.. God loves me.
•  19. Are you usually the first person to make a move?
  Nope..never
•  20. Have you ever asked someone out and they turned you down?
  Nope..I have never asked anyone out..
•  21. Do you feel like you're the dumpee or dumper most of the time?
  None of them..
•  22. What's your "type"?
  someone who is techie, smart, good english grammar and yeah, silky hair..
•  23. What are some of your favorite physical characteristics for your crush to have?
  silky hair and hands bigger than me... :P
•  24. Are you a hopeless romantic?
   Yes!!
•  25. Do you think that you're a good kisser?
   I guess.. :P
•  26. What's the farthest that you've ever gone?
  Nowhere!!
•  27. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
  I don't think so or at least I have no idea if there's one..
•  28. Have you ever been someone's secret admirer?
   Yes!!
•  29. Do you have romantic fantasies? If so, what are they like and who is in them?
  Ummmmmm......no....
•  30. What's something that always turns you on?
  sweet smile and nice wit!!

I found this questionnaire on Tumblr.. 

bored

1: Height? 5' 

2: Virgin? Yes  

3: Do you Smoke? No

4: Do you Drink? No

5: Do you take drugs? No 

9: Got any Piercings?  No

10: Want any Piercings? Yes.. A pretty nose-ring  

11: Best friend? 
I don't want to mention becoz whenever I call someone my best friend, that person goes away form me..  

12: Relationship status? Single, Unavailable  

13: Biggest turn ons? Books and food  

14: Biggest turn offs? grammatical mistakes, show-off  

15: Favorite Movie? Wake Up Sid

16: I’ll love you if?  
I'll love you for what you are as long as you are okay with my craziness.. :P

17: Someone you miss? Best friends  

18: Most traumatic experience?  Depression I suffered from a while back  

19: A fact about your personality?  I am highly sensitive person  

20: What I hate most about myself?  spectacles  

21: What I love most about myself?  the core me  

22: What I want to be when I get older? Writer  

23: My relationship with my sibling(s)?  No siblings  

24: My relationship with my parent(s)? Terrible  

25: My idea of a perfect date ?

 cold breezes on sea shore, smell of jasmine, sizzling hot soup and oven-fresh pizza  

26: My biggest pet peeves?  
My pet peeves include but are not limited to  moong dal curry, people who blow horns loudly, those who think that they are chic but wear danglers with curls on their ears and forehead..the know-it-all people

27: A description of the girl/boy I like   ------------------------------------------

31: What my last text message says

My blog http://onenighticried.blogspot.com/  

35: What I find attractive in men

dressing style, grammar and chilvary  

36: Where I would like to live

North-east part of India  

37: One of my insecurities

I am not pretty  

38: My childhood career choice

Writer  

39: My favorite ice cream flavor

Butterscotch  

42: The last thing I ate

boiled rice and roasted french beans and clarified butter

43: Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

Captain Jack Sparrow and Will Turner

Lines to live by:

• Read books..
• Keep phone on silent mode..
• Sleep at 10pm..
• Eat chocolates, nuts and cheese
• Drink milk..
• Live your own life..
• Don't do something just to please others or to fit in..
• Be happy..
• Pray.. Pray.. Pray..
• Coding is your bread and butter.. Do it mindfully and with complete faith..
• Tumbling in moderation..
• Water plants..everyday.. (except on rainy days)
• Use Linux..everyday.. (Windows once in a while)
• Pay attention to feeling well..
• Smile often and forgive easily..
• This is who I am. Nobody said you had to like me.
• Learn to cook..
• Focus..
• Write..often..everyday..
• Take copious notes..
• Save money often and splurge once in a while..
• Don't get stressed.. Heart is more important than marks, presentations and money..
• Relish and savor the food..
• Learn new words..everyday..
• Glucose is important..so is water.
• Evening primrose is not pink..
• Tree, books and sunshine are your best friends..

I like Aisha Banerjee in Wake Up S!d.
A character well-played by Konkana Sen..
No-fuss makeup..
Beautiful eyes defined by thick line of kohl..
Her eyes really have a thing..
They say half of her dialogs..
Her costumes are chic and edgy..
Her attire, makeup, body language shout loudly "I am an intelligent, no-nonsense girl..ok new girl in the city.."
The way she flatters when her sexy boss asks her out for a live Jazz show..
And the way she politely refuses next time because she  feels that Jazz is really not her thing..
Her maturity and goal-centered-ness..
The way she decorates home..and keeps it neat, clean and tidy..
The frankness and innocence of her and Sid's friendship..
And how slowly, growing up in life, being adult, learning from Aisha, Sid falls for her..
The journey portrayed is so beautiful...
And yeah..I loved Sid too..
Some other day about him..!!!

Pages from Diary - 7

I wanted to spend some time alone..all by myself..
So I came to our another home..
It is a small apartment in the city surrounded by similar houses and tall buildings..

The bedroom is spacious, airy and full of light. It has a big wide window facing the road. There's a lush mango tree just in front of it and I hear birds chirping on it.
Warm sun rays from the west are falling on the off-white wall and a cat enjoying its siesta on it..

There are many sounds..the sound of drilling machine, loud horns of vehicles, housewives chattering in the relaxed afternoon, kids playing cricket..
And the sound of flour mill..it defines the locality..


There were so many sounds but no noise..
I am here for some peaceful thinking, sitting alone..
But all I am doing is enjoying the serenity of life around me..
I payed attention to every sound around me..
I heard my breathing..
I heard my heart-beats..
And in all that chaos, I found my peace..

Pages from Diary - 6

I miss my childhood buddies..
One of them was Priyanka..
We were together in 3rd and 4th std. We used to eat tiffin together..do our homework and used to go to each other's places for chitchat and playing..
One strange thing connected us though..
We both were thinking that our Moms don't love us enough and that we were unwanted kids..
She has 2 siblings and I have none..still!!!
We used to complain to each other about Moms and thinking that nobody is gonna love us in our life..
We parted ways after 4th std when her Mom put her in different school than mine..
And haven't met each other in few years..though used to live in same city..
She completed her BCS, got selected at Infosys and now lives in Mysore..
I miss her..
I miss her badly...

Just today Mom met her brother who is a doctor..
She was telling me about him and her..
Dunno why despite me missing her I did not feel like contacting her again...

This is what I hate about myself..
I was damn innocent back then and now I feel as if I lost all of my innocence..
Dunno why do I feel like that...
I feel like I have become selfish and arrogant..

Huh...
Now about losing my innocence..
Well, to cut the long story short...
It was first time in my life that I had huge(really huge) crush on some guy and yeah, we were friends..I mean we used to talk...
The moment I realized that I like certain guy and blah..I suddenly felt like grown up..
Felt like lost my innocence and childishness...
This may not have any co-relation..but..but still this is it..
God knows how many storms passed through my tiny head and kiddo mind...

Pages from Diary - 5

Nowadays, i find myself reading mostly about career advice or technology..

i do not read short-stories..or blogs for that matter...

i do not read poems...

i don't read any kind of fiction..

I make sure to stay away from people..all kinds of people..

Sometimes I pray..sometimes I don't...

If someone is being good/friendly with me, I instantly become skeptic..

How long that person is going to be the same with me??

And an unending series of questions...

Bunked college for two days..

I have no idea what's going on in my head..

I no longer can relate with the songs i hear, poems I read, flicks I watch or even books..

No more smile randomly...

Random texts...

Lyrics of musics...

Everything disappeared like a hazy dream...

I don't even care to look at phone..for nobody's is waiting for my reply and there are no missed calls..

I am so silly.....

How could I take the life for granted..

How could I assume that everything is going to be the same way it has been...

How could I assume that my friends will not change...

ok. I am silly.. It was foolish to assume all this...

But it is okay..

I'll learn to deal with it..

I'll learn to deal with the fact that the people close to me are bound to go far away...willingly...and still I want to be the best with them...

Irrespective of what they are..what they have been..and what they will be....

Sakura-II

"I know you don't feel anything for me anymore.. 
But that does not change what I feel or think about you."

"You are doing wrong with yourself.."

"Naah.. You know, I hate to lie.. We all do. And I don't want to lie with myself that you don't feel anything  for me so I have nothing to do with you anymore.."

".........................................................."

"I have learnt to be okay with your dislike for me, Long back I accepted the fact that you have changed for whatsover may be the reason.. Did I trouble you? Asked you to love me? Be with me? Nope.. I am living my own life.."

"But it kills me to see you like this.. You are so lonely.."

"Who are you to decide this? I can take care of myself. And no, I am not alone..
As I said, the person who loves me is always with me even if in reminiscences."

"You want me to feel guilty for you. Do you?"

"Hell no! Why would I? You came to meet me all by yourself.. 
I didn't phone you and said I am sad, lonely and missing you.. Did I?"

"Liar.. You did not phone me.. True!! But you did want me to come to see you here in Kawagoe, when I told you that I'll be here in Tokyo. Don't pretend to be strongest person on the earth.. You do feel lonely and you miss me terribly. You want me to be here with you.. And you want me to care for you."

"............................................"

"Eyes can not lie.. Especially yours.. Otherwise you would you stare at the wall and say all this? Look into my eyes and say all that again.. If you can do this, I would go and will not come back.."

He was now staring at her feet. He didn't know what to say. She was so soft spoken.. But today was different.


to be continued..

Sakura-I

She knocked the door.
"Yes. Come in.." He replied.
She slid the fusuma and went in.
There were a couple of laptops, pile of books, papers, moleskines scattered all around the ima.
He was sitting on the futon couch..
She nervously looked at him. His warm and wide toothy smile made her feel comfy.
"Saké?" He asked.
"No. Thanks." She said.
"Ok then coffee at least?"
"Alright."
As he went to make coffee, she took a close look to the room.
It was well organized and messed up at the same time.
The laptops did not have a single icon on desktop. Journals looked new and the ikebana in the corner was looking pleasent.
He came back with 2 mugs of steaming coffee. 
As they were sipping coffee, " What are you doing these days?" she asked, breaking the silence.
"Nothing special.." He said smilingly.. "I code in the day and write in the night.."
"I am sorry" she said.
"For what?"
"................"
"See, I still like you..and I still love you.."
"................"
"What???"
"Oh. nothing..."
"Don't you feel that you have lost me?? Don't you miss me?"
"................."
"Tell na.."
"Frankly speaking.. No. I don't miss you.."
"................."
"Well, look like this.. We are no longer together.. True.. But that is your perspective.. I personally don't think so.. You are with me always.. You are here in my present moment..when I am awake..and when I am asleep too.. You are in my dreams and you are in my poems.. You are in my coffee and you are in my sushi.. You are in my code too..."
"................."
"I used to miss you.. But not any more.."
"................."
"Din't you like anyone else after me??"
"What after you?? It is not over. At least for me..'"
"But why?? Why this?? Why are you hurting yourself??? Get over me.. I don't deserve you..."
"I know my hurt and pains. And you don't have to tell me what to do."



to be continued....

Pages from Diary - 4

I really don't know what I want in my life. I don't have even the slightest idea where I'm going to. 

I don't know how its gonna end. Though there are few things I'm sure about..

I want to get a job. I want to be really good at English. I wanna learn Japanese. Phew..

Over...

I don't have friends and I really mean it today. I seriously don't have friends.

Recently I broke my friendship with 2 best friends. 

I destroyed my SIM card and got the oldest one.

My inbox is empty these days.. It used to be flooding with with thousands of chat messages and forwards...

My g-Talk chat list is tiny now and nobody is on-line. I don't chat with anyone anymore.

I call Aish once or twice a day but she seemed irritated today so I won't call her for 2-3 days.

She is the only friend in contact with me. Life has taken a 360 degree turn within this fortnight. 

I lost 2 kgs. So many things...

But this was bound to happen....

I end up in a misery. Its alright. Life is a cycle so happiness is followed by sorrows, smile is followed by tears, joy is followed by disappointment.

Few days ago, I was high on my social life..lots of friends, thousands of forwards and text chats, talking hours a day on phone and what not...

But now, it all disappeared like a dream....

I'm starting with a blank slate again....

I was in this condition one and half year ago but that was different...

This period came with lot of new experiences and mind-shifts..

I really feel bad sometimes....

I don't have anyone to talk to...

And I can't let it go with my usual IDM (It doesn't matter)...

Life is filled with emptiness...

P.S. This entry in my diary is an year ago.. And I wonder why i find myself in the same place again, say every 6 months or a year..

I used to laugh at the poems like my heart beats for you and blah..
But later I saw something queer in my own life...
Whenever you don't talk to me, my heart misses a beat..
And these days, my heart misses beats very often..
God knows whatz wrong with me..

(Oh my dear God, you love me right? You have the biggest heart.. And I'm your pampered kid.. If you are reading this, you should miss a beat. Did you? )

Pages from Diary - 3

I wish I could be buried in so much work/study/projects that i would get little or no time to think about
life, happiness, love, friendship, relationships, hurt, care, loneliness..
I'd like to trouble my brain rather than my heart...
Heart breaks,brain does not....
(As long as I'm not glucose-deprived, my brain will work fine..)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is this difference always..

What you know VS what you understand..

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will never belong to anywhere..
I am a nomad...

Nobody's heart belong to me..
and my heart..well I don't know where did i lost it..

Pages from Diary - 2

Dear You,

You are very superficial person. You live in an illusion and all you can think of is everything except work and study.
You want everything easy. You don't want to read stuff and you boast about something you read more than a year back
and all you remember is few words and key concepts and terminologies (which is very obvious because you have good
English and remembering new words is not a big deal for you).
You feel that you have very efficient study method and your notes are brilliant.
Plain, stupid BS.
If you have very efficient study method, why can't you get distinction ot at least above first class marks?
Don't blame SU or Dept for this.
You don't deserve this because you have not worked towards it.
You are a stupid and dumb person. You need to work hard to get what you want.
Your so-called dreams/maturity/English is in vain.
Alright.

"Hey.."
"Hie.."
"How are you?"
"Fantastic.. You?"
"Good"
"Anything special... ?"
"Ohh..nothing..just this ruckus of life..."
"You still miss me??" He asked in flirtatious tone.
"Yeah..everytime I read your column in Mumbai Beat." She said with a smug grin
He burst into laughter..
After a brief chitchat, he left..
She kept staring at him as he bid her adieu and turned his back.
His question was lingering in her mind... You still miss me?
Her face was shining in the bright light of yellow street lamp.. A hawker was making Pavbhaji on a roadside stall..and the air was filled with spicy aroma of veggies..

Slowly she put her hand in her tote and opened an old diary from it... its pages all turned yellowish..
She removed a brown, shiny wrapper from it..
The first Bournville they ate together...
Her eyes dewy and lips dry..

And that question of him...you still miss me...?

Pages from Diary- 1

I am a kid. I read all kinds of books, have a good taste in arts too..fairly good in academics..
But I have failed in living my life properly..in orderly, structural way.. I am a pseudo-mature, pseudo-realistic.. I live in some Utopia where things automatically fall into place.. I secretly deny to work for what I want..  I was much better, saner when I was 10.. Leave friends, I can not manage myself well.. Terribly impulsive and lazy.. I lie to myself everytime I hit the sheets that everything will be alright tomorrow.. But I treat life as a big holiday..and spend it in laidback way..
Haven't yet figured out what I want..but there is unending list of things I don't want...
Inconsistent even at taking tablets.. Parents thank God that I at least get ready in the morning and eat my own food..
Bought books costing thousands of bucks..haven't turned a single page..in months...
Half-a-dozen new tops...still untouched..
nail colors..didn't even bother to open the bottle once kept in fridge..
At least a dozen journals/diaries..all empty pages..waiting get written on..
Cutting from paper..not sorted yet...
Big, thick labels on branded outfits..preserved to make bookmarks..
every damn day I decide, I will read at least one verse from Bhagvadgeeta/Dnyaneshwari/Dasbodh..and at 12.30am..I say tomorrow..
I even forget to dab lipbalm and I find myself biting lips constantly...coz they are dry too oftenand it never occurs to me that I should put on some balm...even if its few inches away from me... How pathetic of me..!!!
Too lazy to make up but the excuse is that "ohh, it has harmful chemicals.."
(makeup and getting ready is another reason I avoid to attend parties... I find it boring...)

Good grief!!

Messed up life..
Messed up me..