This is who I am {Pages from Diary - 25}

A cousin of mine got married a week ago. I skipped the wedding function. (I hadn't attended her engagement ceremony too but it had different reasons.. It was my University exam back then). Why I didn't attend her wedding would have been different post altogether..but to cut the story short, I would say, I did not wanted to sound as next eligible girl(as I graduated recently and now searching for job) and another thing, that girl had said really unpleasent things to my Dad.. So I dislike her a lot. So that was that... 

After the wedding ceremony, I got a call from Dad. I did not ask him anything but he told me that wedding function costed 8 lakh INR. I was like WTF. Seriously....?? 8 lakh??? All on decoration and flowers and music system..and food..which nobody eats properly...for relatives we see once or at most twice in entire life time.... Before I start talking about how this money could have been invested for long term, let me come to the point :P

The point of writing this post was entirely different.. In that call Dad told me one more thing..what my Mom said about my absence.. She was rather relieved that I did not came as wedding ceremony started..and the reason being she said to Dad that our daughter would have felt bad by seeing pretty/beautiful girls here(read my other cousins and their girl friends) wearing designer anarkalis, ghagras and makeup-ladden faces.. Because I am not kind of girl who wears anything bling or having trinkets or jardosi or heavy embroidery stuff...  I don't wear makeup..no lipsticks..no blushes..nothing... I am not beautiful or anything.. I hate vanity..  People don't/won't appreciate for how gorgeous I am looking..or how fair I am(its matters a lot to be fair girl in India at least and I am not fair.. I have wheat complexion with little pinkish undertones..).. I usually bury my head either in some mammoth-sized book or laptop or phone.. I don't gossip(the obvious corollary could be I am sort of not social but actually that is not the case.. I am not interested in talking about other people's lives unless they affect me...and unless of course you are talking about Nikola Tesla :P). 

So in short, my Mom would have felt awkward about having/raising a daughter who is like me or at least it is the best possible line I can interpret what she had said. (I actually wanted to say "ashamed" instead of "awkward" but I felt bad about myself).

No.. I am not going to say anything on this.. I cried a bit..and then I felt numb.. 

But one thing I decided to myself.... I will always be as plain and simple and genuine as I am.. If people in my life feel awkward about me, they can move on with their life..themselves... If someone can't accept me with my simplicity and straightforwardness, they better not relate with me in any way... I won't wear makeup or some outfit that I am not comfortable with(this includes saree too). 

This is who I am.. Nobody said you had to like it..

Little Notes on Girlhood

Okay.. Now this is a bullet points list..
Here it goes..

• Himalaya Antiseptic cream is great for allergy like bruises caused after waxing. I happened to apply it..and viola..it worked...overnight.. I have applied it again today... Also it has wonderful smell..a bit like Boroplus cream..
• If you disliked some ready-made wet facepack/mudpack or simply want to finish up tube, apply it to feet and wash off after 5-10 minutes... :D I was packing all day yesterday. So I had to work in dust.. I woke up to feet in no-so-good-condition and screaming for pedicure.. (I have never done it :P)..  I had nothing to do for a while so I applied this Himalaya Neem Pack. It worked well.
   
• I sometimes love outfits of Girls on tumblr... Especially on  Deserted Road.. Do check it out.
• I came across a beautiful paragraph..
  

  When you see how your blood still runs the color of sunsets and your tears the color of oceans deep, do not forget to remember that your lungs inhale heaven every time they expand.
  Keep the soles of your feet firmly planted on the earth. With weak ankles and knobby knees, embrace your form because even the most beautiful trees grow up crooked. It’s okay, because you can reach for sunlight with both arms flung open. Let it sink in your pores and flow bright in your veins.
  Gather up your broken blades like lost teeth. You can trade them in for better things, but don’t forget to ask for so much more. They are not your haphazard collection of keys. Throw them out, now, and don’t look for more doors to unlock.
  The more you love, the more you lose. The more you lose, the more you gain. The more you gain, the more you love. Do not stop halfway or you risk losing it all, even the love you never knew you had.
  Trace the graceful slope of your valleys with your fingertips, a lover’s caress. Realize that you may descend into darkness for a painful while, but eventually you will climb back up into the light.
  "
  

  -Nineteen years of lessons — vitamere (via vitamere )

   

Little Notes on Life

Gosh!!
Its such a long time I have written anything... Okay,  except codes.. They are my bread(whole wheat, mind you), butter(the white one we get when Mom churns the buttermilk, not Amul Butter) and well, cheese too...

So where I have been for all these days?
I did 2 courses and changed one accomodation..all in 2 months.. And now, I am living in a flat with 4 other girls..who are senior to me..and also doing 3rd course(!!) for an upcoming entrance exam..

I learnt a few things for some amazing people..(No..none of them are/were my room mates or even landlords)...


I keep forgetting what I learnt time to time.. So I will enlist it here.. And no, it won't be some bullet points with one line in front of each big dot..but it will have little background thought process of how I led to it..

First of all, I am not that fiercely ambitious(!!) feminist girl I used to be..
This is my biggest achievement so far.. :P
I want very few things...(Okay..okay.... Van Heusen Formals tops the list)..
Seriously... Good work in the industry I prefer, more than sufficient money(yes, gotta invest something for retirement..), good books.. and living below my means..maintain my mane...good food and broadband/3G internet.

Second thing I realized was success is something I will get when I will be closer to 30s...till then I want to keep doing my work quietly... Because all the amazing people I admire have worked in their industry for 10-15 years... They have expertise in their own domain, are down-to-earth and polite humans. The measure of knowledge and expertise for me is being able to teach some concept, chapter is intelligible and lucid language giving real-life analogies.

Third thing is something I hammer on my mind again and again and again, every damn day... Not to compare myself with anyone.... Its waste of time and thinking process...(I would solve Project Euler problems instead).. I have wasted huge amount of time in comparing myself with other people.. Not any more...

Referring to people I met till date here, just 2-3 people I met were genuinely nice.. Remaining all are, especially room-mates, they are grumpy all day long and selfish too... In their heads all the time... I mean we don't even smile at each other... I tried a lot for past month... Not anymore.. Now I pretend that they don't exist(a dear friend gave me this advice)... I try to be good (if not nice), try to smile, and try to help if possible... And I have stopped hoping/thinking that I will be able to make friends here.. I am not negative as such..but at least I am not desperate... I have bike and I go for chores, breakfast and shopping alone... And I am okay with it.. I badly miss my friends from my town, I miss my home, my parents and my Cat.. But still what I learnt was it doesn't cost much to smile and exchange few sentences.. I will strive to be nice with people who are nice to me
and at least good with people who are bad to me... Somehow I feel, this is more important than going to temple..or praying.. And try not to hold grudge against people around me..(I have been doing this a lot lately...)..


All in all, I want to remain sane and don't lose my hair..and sleep well... Everything else comes later...